The Realm

A Place Where Cheese Is Queen

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Location: San Francisco, CA

I'm fun.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

The Mysterious C. Muffin

He kind of looks like Fabio in this one.

Or ... he's Secret Agent Carlosimo .... licensed to thrill.

xoxoxo kisses and catnip xoxoxo

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Leisure Wear

Here's the tiniest teacup.

She's wearing a Velour Leisure Suit!!

Have you ever seen anything cuter?

Her equally cute twin brother is in the background hitting something with a kitchen whisk.

AW!!! ber schnerbel!


Cats or Monkeys?

Here is a picture of Noodle and Carlos Muffin.

I had just finished combing out Noodle. Carlos observed the whole procedure and apparently decided I didn't do a thorough job ... because he jumped on top of her and started licking her ears.

He's an ear freak.

Black cats are hard to photograph but if you squint you can see his tongue.

You can also see poor little Noodle's rotting eyeball. It is getting better!! As soon as she's up to snuff ... I will totally post a pretty picture of my little princess.

xoxoxo snorgles and love xoxoxoxo

Tuesday, December 26, 2006


It's back to business as usual. The Yule has Tided. And here I am, a little bit fatter and a whole lot pissier.

So ... as we've just had a Solstice ... you know what that means. A whole new season to name!!

Here are the choices:

Winter of Whirliness

Winter of Weirdness

Winter of Fitness and Frugality (barf)

Winter of Napping and Joy

My first pick would be the Winter of Napping and Joy. (duh) But, unfortunately, Fitness and Frugality are as necessary as ever! Will I EVER be rich and thin??? or ... moderately well off and in shape?? I can only throw it out to the Universe and let it decide. I think I need a mantra.

Oh Universe
Make me stop
being such a pig.

hah hah. No. That's not very self supportive.

Okay ... so ... I think I'll have to go with fitness and frugality.

POO! wah!!!! It's not fair that I finally got rid of my pimples only to obtain an inability to metabolize cheetos and beer! it's SUCKY!

However, it could be worse. What if I was breaking out AND putting on weight ... all at the same time? THAT would not do at all.

And, Tihanna invited me to go to her hot yoga classes with her. oooh! Maybe that will help.

This is going to be a long season. *whimper*

xoxoxo fat sweaty hugs and kisses xoxoxo

Monday, December 25, 2006


It is Yuletide!

Hooray! Happy Yuletide.

Yule = wheel
Tide= time

So what this time of year really means is that the wheel of life continues to turn and this is the time we stop to observe how nice the last revolution was and to make plans for the next prosperous turning.

It's also when people bring all sort of weird food into the newsroom, and then ... because NOTHING (not even starhellhole) is open, you find yourself eating stale cake donuts, questionable crackers and admittedly delicious truffles for breakfast.

It's not my fault! I stopped at the 24 hour Safeway last night to get a hot pocket for this morning. But the frigging Safeway was closed!! what the Hell?

I discovered something surprising last week. One day I decided to google "Mr. Carlos Muffin" to see if the picture of Carlos on Cute Overload would show up in the search results. That post actually was not on the Google list. But. Guess WHAT? A couple of other people had posted the Carlos photo on their blogs and on forums. And, much to my surprise, I discovered a myspace denizen whose name was ... get this ... Mr. Carlos Muffin!

I am WAY too old for a myspace account ... but I do have one. Yeah yeah. So I wrote to this guy to tell him ... Hey! you have a doppelganger! He is small and furry and super cuddly and has four legs!

So he wrote back and said ... actually he admitted ... he co-opted the name "Mr. Carlos Muffin" for himself after he saw it on Cute Overload.

Hmm. Kind of flattering, I guess ... I mean, I have mad skilz (heh) when it comes to naming animals. Princess Noodle Moppet.

Or maybe, as like attracts like - dork attracts dork.

The question is .... How can I parlay this into a career?

Preferably one where I'm tucked up in bed on Christmas morning rather than sitting here doing nothing but nursing a big fat headache.


xoxoxo happy yuletide kisses xoxoxo

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Good Morning!

Here is Mr. Carlos Muffin! This is a photo from his first photo shoot using my new camera.

He looks a little weird here but I promise he really does have pupils.

Happy holidays to all! I have a big day ahead of visiting various peeps.

I have to do it today because guess what.

That's right. I have to WORK tomorrow.

Actually, it won't be so bad. Barring a major disaster, there won't be a lot of news. And we will be served a holiday dinner.

My horoscope today says I need to relax and focus on myself. Hooray for!

xoxoxo kisses snorgles and lots of peace and brotherly love! xoxoxoxo

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Erase Bookmarks Now

This is your only warning.

I got my Christmas present yesterday from Dick and Sally. Guess what they sent me? A Digital Camera!!!!

You know what that means.

Yes. Endless photographs of Noodle and Carlos Muffin. Which will get posted here. Which means you may want to stop checking the Realm if overt cat-ladyism makes you feel funny.

I also got some fleece pajamas! and a box of chocolates. The kitties got a special toy called a wiggle worm. Carlos has totally been hogging it, as one might expect.

Pickle sent me a book, which means with the candy and comfy jams -I am SORTED for a long holiday's nap. Yay!

Jelly suggested I just change the name of this blog from The Realm to The Realm of Kitties. But no. I want to feel free to talk about other stuff too. Can I help it that I have become such an avoider of human contact that all I have to talk about my funny little kitty cats?

Actually, I'm considering getting a dwarf hamster. (please see above picture to see what such a creature would look like. This is a baby one. He's nibbling on a chunk of broccoli!) NOT TO WORRY!! he'd be kept in a cage, well out of Carlos' reach. I probably won't. But I would LIKE to. Actually what I'd really like to get is a guinea pig!! they are so cute. You can take them to the park because they won't run away from you and they are the size of a very tiny puppy. They even have leashes for g. pigs.

I am working on my New Year's Resolutions. So far, I don't have any concrete plans.

But I am trying to figure out a good way to integrate more sociability and flavor, if you will, into my current lifestyle. Such as. There should be a rule that I must leave the house at least once a day, TWICE if it is a workday.

Actually, I LIKE people! well most. I mean, I like my peeps. The real problem is, I am addicted to being comfy AND I'm lazy. That is a horrible combination

Okay. The first step is admitting you have a problem!

Hello my name is Diana, and I am a featherbedandfuzzysockalholic.

Do you think they have a group for that??

xoxoxo cozylittlehugs and kisses!! xoxoxo

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Anyone have any Vicodin?

What TO DO??

So tonight is our holiday party ... the company festivus, if you will.

The question ... should I go?

1. Chance to wear a cute outfit
2. Get out the house
3. Free food
4. Neat venue

1. Only two free drinks; cash only bar if I want more
2. It is TUESDAY night
3. I have to get up early tomorrow
4. It's cold as hell out
5. No parking so I'd have to take pub transpo
6. I don't have anything to wear
7. Jelly's not going
8. I'm TIRED

Here's what's hanging me up. I promised several peeps I'd attend. Also, I R-S-V-P'd ... are they going to deduct the cost of those two drinks from my paycheck?

I don't think I would have fun. Therefore, forget it.

But ... but ... but ... my horoscope has been advising me to stop being such a hermit all the time. PISS!


I suppose I would go if I had enough money for a cab. However, if I spend money on a cab, then I wouldn't be able to buy extra drinks.

Of course, it may be that two drinks are plenty for a night out on the town on a school night.


Except, this is a work function. It should go without saying that extra drinks are needed in order to dull the pain.

pooop. I don't know what to do.

xoxoxo ball of confusion xoxoxo

Monday, December 18, 2006

coo. coo.

That's the noise Noodle makes.

She doesn't meow, she just makes cooing noises and sighs. Lately she's also been making crying noises because she is tired of being medicated for her rotting eyeball.

But GUESS what! I can now see a border of orange (her iris color) under the yucky grey part so I know she is getting better!

We are going to the animal opthmalogist today for a check up and I hope they tell me she's going to be good as new soon.

I got another really neat present from my secret santa! Two pretty cocktail glasses with a special design on them. COOL! Holly gave me some pumpkin liqueur awhile ago ... NOW ... I am going to add a little vanilla vodka and cream and rim my pretty new glasses with sugar and pumpkin pie spice and put a sprinkling of nutmeg on top. Yes! Christmas Dinner!!

Angela and I made the best holiday greeting in the history of holiday greetings today. When you hear it, you will laugh. Or else you will think. My God. dorks.

xoxoxo happy holidays!! xoxoxo

Thursday, December 14, 2006

TAGGED at last!

Guess What?

I have been 'tagged' by Miss Sunshine State, a-k-a JMai. heh heh.

So here's the cheese: I need to write six truly weird things about myself then ... in turn 'tag' six MORE peeps who will then have to do the same thing and so on, and so on, etc.

Okay. Six weird things. Only six? Jeez.

1. I HATE peas!!!!!!!!! blegh! My friend Cindy can't believe it, because peas are so "cute." Indeed, they are small and round and green, but their cute form disguises the horrible little burst of nastiness that they truly are.

2. I LOVE it when it rains for days on end and is all gray and drizzly and gloomy out.

3. I wish I could go out on a date with John Stamos.

4. I wish leg warmers would come back into style. (hah hah hah)

5. Nothing would make me happier than having the power to turn big animals such as dolphins, hippos, giraffes and the like into smaller versions of themselves (like, say the size of a dwarf hamster) and be able to keep them in appropriate containers as pets.

6. When I was little, I wanted my name to be "Mashed Potatoes."

There are MANY more, but these are the first that came to mind.

Okay ... Gah! hmm. Okay how about Jelly, the Loud Corral ... uh ... Terry? (i don't remember you doing this one, but it IS early) ... Michael (ha ha ha ha ha) ... crap. AND ANYONE ELSE WHO FEELS LIKE IT!! If you aren't a blogger, you can put your weirdnesses in my comments list. Pickle, Lolita, Mari, Nadia, Shelly, Anne, etc. ..... Let's GO.

I just broke the rules by inviting that, but guess what? I don't care!!

I did a LOT of laundry yesterday afternoon. Just so you can get an idea of how much ... I spent approximately $27 dollars!! jeezus!! I could have just gone to Ross with that money and bought seven new underpants and a towel.

Noodle is getting better albeit VERY slowly. She is NOT happy about being medicated every other second, but I am determined to make her healthy again. Sorry Noodle!!

My secret santa gave me the cutest thing today. It is a big kitty food bowl with a cute purple kitty looking over the edge. Aw! Perfect for the cat lady. Thanks Secret Santa!!

xoxoxo kisses, and love and meds when you are sick xoxoxo

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

All y'All

Thanks for all the support and kind words, peeps!! :o)!!!

The good news is, I'm OVER IT. My three day weekend allowed me to realize that it really doesn't matter.

The bad news is, I've got something ever more serious and worrying to think about.

It seems Noodle's little eye is more damaged than I had thought.

The normal vet told me to prepare her (and myself) for a future as a pirate.

But, just when things looked darkest ... The Universe came through! In the form of financial help AND a highly skilled pet opthamologist who has given me a much happier prognosis. It seems Noodle is perfectly capable of regenerating her eyeball but she needs many medicines and lots of time to do it.

So ... she's not out of the woods yet, but it's looking a LOT more hopeful than at this time yesterday. Hooray!!!

The vet put her in a cone. hah hah.

xoxo kisses!! xoxoxo

Thursday, December 07, 2006

More Assholery

Two posts in one day! woo doo dee hoo hoo!!

I parked my car behind this big ol' Murrican made pick up truck today.

It was sporting two bumper stickers.

One said: "Speak English, or get the fuck out!"

The other said: "If it's got wheels or tits, it'll be a problem."

Gee, do you think he gets laid?



Cubicle Wars

I have a co-worker who really hates me.

I am not quite sure why I inspire rage in this individual ... but there you go.

His latest zinger came about during a discussion of a benny I get that's caused no end of consternation among the powers that be.

You see, the precedent was set long before I landed this position, and if you try to take it away from me, I will go to battle.

ANYWAYS. When he found out that HE was NOT to receive this same benefit, even though he doesn't DO my job, well - he was NOT happy.

"Okay" he says to me. "Let me get this straight. I come in at the same time as you, work three times harder that you and actually DO A GOOD JOB ... and I don't get this, but you do?"

Motherfucker say what?

I don't care if he thinks I'm the dumbest slacker in the world. That's his deal, and I can handle it.

What I don't get is why he thinks it is okay to say something like that to me.

Do I not have feelings? If I am cut, do I not bleed?

Maybe because I have a history of not reacting to the extreme rudeness he sends my way, it creates in him a need to go to ever more further heights in an attempt to get me to lose my cool?

Fuck that, man.

I will NEVER understand people.

On a happy note: Yay! A-N-T-M! sort of an anticlimax but at least my bitch won.

xoxoxoxo kisses xoxoxoxo

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Fun Things

Have you ever seen the comic strip "Pickles?"

The name alone would be reason to love it.

But it doesn't have anything to DO with pickles. Or gherkins or sauerkraut or even kim chee.
It's about these two old peeps and their pet cat. Whose name is MUFFIN.

Today, the lady gave Muffin a perm so she and Muffin would more closely resemble each other. I guess using her hot curlers on Muffin (as happened in the strip yesterday) wasn't enough.

A few days ago, she put pink softpaws (those claw tippy things) on Muffin.

The husband appears to think the wife is on crack and the cat seems to as well.

I don't know why I find it amusing. Probably because deep down, I'm a HUGE GEEK.

Oh wait. That's common knowledge already.

In other news ...

I got an e-mail from Anne, informing me that Benny Beaver's female analog wasn't named Betty but was actually known as Bernice.

Whoops. She also says Bernice is no longer with Benny (no word on what led to the break-up). But Benny is NOT happy with his new single life because now he looks like a mean bastard instead of a happy, chubby, oversized guinea pig.

Well, as they say, you can't go home again.

Tonight's the NIGHT!! The A-N-T-M finale. Who will win??

The anticipation is killing me.

If you'd like to enhance your A-N-T-M viewing experience, may I suggest you click on the following link?

The guy in charge of that blog may be my male doppelganger. Not only is he a freak for the Tyra action, he keeps as a pet an exotic shorthair cat named Winston!! I suggest you peruse the site, with a special eye for the Winston posts. There are lots of films and pictures. You can see Winston eating mashed potatoes, meowing plaintively, and striking a variety of adorable poses.

I need a camera and video camera so I can provide the world with pics and flicks of Carlos and Noodle vogueing and stuff.

I think Noodle is actually cuter than Carlos in real life since she's so dainty and has the smallest nose in the world.

But it evens out, because Carlos is extremely photogenic and constantly doing silly things worth recording.

He is highly interested in plumbing, and comes running when he senses a toilet will be flushed. He MUST be allowed to put his little paws on the seat and watch the whole procedure.

He also has an unholy need to try to climb into the refrigerator whenever I open it up.

When I'm sitting at my computer at home, he likes to crawl up my shoulder and plop himself onto my head.

One of the nicest things about Carlos though is that he keeps me company in the morning while I get ready for work. He sits on the toilet lid and purrs and purrs ... and every once in awhile he puts his front paws on me like a little puppy dog.

AW!! he's such a love bug!!

Noodle is more self contained and dignified, and therefore, does not allow herself to be silly. Nor does she let Carlos anger or worry her. She is so zen. She is Noodle, and that's all she needs to be.

I am SO lucky! One of the reasons I like the Winston owning Tyra watching guy is because he too gushes and moans on about his kitties.

I'd ask him to marry me, but he has a boyfriend.


xoxo love and kisses xoxoxo

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


For one year, I was a Beaver.

That is, I attended school at Oregon State University, home of the BEAVERS!

There was a bar called the Beaver Hut and a giant wooden beaver statue in the commons.

The best thing was Benny and Betty Beaver, the school mascots.

This school was so weird that they locked you OUT of the dorm on weekend nights after 2 -AM.

I personally think it was a scam cooked up by fraternity presidents in cahoots with dormitory officials.

Freshman girls drunk on everclear punch smack dab in the middle of sheep poop central NEED to be able to get into the dorms after a big night out at frat row.

Or else ... where are they supposed to sleep? In (shudder) some stank hole in the warren of rooms on the fourth floor of the Dorka Rapea house?

No THANKS. I actually have a funny story involving being locked out of the dorm. My solution aimed at getting me inside actually cost every girl that lived there (it was NOT a co-ed dorm) a highly anticipated ice cream social.

But I digress.

The REASON i'm nattering on about OSU is because I actually spoke to the only person I retain from that ugly year ... the only bright spot in the hell that was my purgatory in Beaver land, served before I actually moved south to Eugene HOME OF THE DUCKS woo woo.

yes! Isn't it NEATO when you haven't talked to an old friend for years and years and suddenly you're talking to them again and its like no time (or hardly any) has passed at all?

The best part is ... she's going to come to the Bay Area for a visit!! Hooray!

Anne lived on my floor in that dorm, so I can't complain too much about getting stuck there.

Here's something else about that dorm. You were not allowed to have boys in your room past midnight (in Corvallis, boys are not able to perform sexually until the clock strikes twelve. I think that was the reasoning behind that rule.)

But unfortunately, the third person in me and Cindy's (who bailed after two terms, thanks CINDY!) little pooky loving group was a BOY. We didn't feel like hanging out at HIS all boys dorm (where, for some reason, there was NO rule about opposite sex peeps staying all night) but YUCK because we didn't want to have to deal with the fools that lived there. So the boy was in our room, hanging out, studying (uh yeah) and partying like a rock star pretty much every night.

So the R-A finally figured out what we were up to ... and every night forced her way into our room ... to make sure he left. It got to the point where the R-As were inspecting our closets regularly for contraband boy-flesh.

Does it surprise you to know that Cindy and I were known as the biggest troublemakers of Buxton Hall?

So of course Anne wanted to hang out with us!! who could blame her?

The moral of this pointless story: Irresponsibility and breaking the rules can pay off in the form of lasting friendship.

xoxoxo much love and many garbage buckets of everclear xoxoxoxo

Friday, December 01, 2006


So I'm FINALLY reading this book I've been meaning to get to for YEARS.

It is called "A Distant Mirror" and it is about life in 14th century Europe.

Man, what a hellhole. Ick.

There are all kinds of yucky things about Medieval life. You know, the Plague, the 100 Years War, pogroms, crusades and torture, to name a few.

They also had something called sumptuary laws.

As you may recall learning in Western Civ, sumptuary laws dictated what you could wear and what accessories you were allowed to own based on your "estate."

So basically, royals and nobles could have all manner of jewels and decorations on their clothing.

The clergy as well could have ermine robes and ruby rings and other pretty sparkly things.

But peasants were SOL. They could .. for the most part ... only wear brown and black clothes with no manner of adornment. They couldn't have fun shoes or nice pretty things in their homes.

Now, of course, many peasants didn't give a rat's ass ... because they were pretty poor to begin with. But even members of the peasant and growing merchant class who DID have decent incomes were subject to these laws.

The book says the church supported these laws because the big cheeses wanted the poor masses to tithe any extra dinero instead of spending it on nice or comforting things.


That is uncool. Thank GOD the 21st Century allows the proletariat to shop at Target.

They have sparkly shoes, belts and everything for reasonable prices. AND it is okay for all and sundry to sport as many sparkles and gems as taste will allow.

Stupid medieval buttholes. So unfair. That kind of crap would NEVER be tolerated in the Land of Cheese.

I have my sparkly shoes on today, so I'm feeling a bit defensive. If I were a 14th century peasant, they could right now be cutting off my feet. DUDE.

It's a good book though.

Noodle seems to be improving!! Hooray! Her eye is still all covered in some gross cataracty looking thing but she seems much more cheerful. She spent the afternoon playing and snuggling with her little buddy Carlos instead of hiding in the closet. I think it's progress.

Do you think it is weird to give roles to the items in your lunch?

Today I have two mandarin oranges, a bosc pear and a hot pocket pot pie. I cast the fruits as a herd and the pie thingy as the shepherd.

Now I have to decide ... do I slaughter the herd first, or should I kill the shepherd and let the herd run wild?

My co-worker at the desk next door heard me muttering about it and didn't hesitate to inform me that I need help.


I can't wait for my nap.

xoxoxo kisses and sparkles for ALL in the Realm of the Cheese!!xoxoxo