The Realm

A Place Where Cheese Is Queen

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Location: San Francisco, CA

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Friday, April 28, 2006

15 shopping days left ....

Until MOTHER's Day!!!!

Now anyone who knows me knows that I've never wanted to be a mom. I was a tomboy, didn't play with dolls and hated babysitting. I also hate responsibility. And I love to sleep.

HOWEVER. Just because I don't want one of my own doesn't mean I don't love the babies and kids in my life. I also love all the moms in my life because they are some of the nicest, not to mention most partying, people I know.

That's probably why I like their kids so much!

I mean, who couldn't love Little D and the Teacups, The Gherkin and The Caper, or Ole and the newest cuddle squish ball, young Luke?

I do not discriminate by age, either. My friends' kids and teenagers are truly some of the most wonderful people in the world. I am amazed by how neato they are. Good job, various moms!!

My FAVORITE mom in the world of course, is my OWN!!

I got an email from her the other day in which she unleashed some criticicism of the U-S government, then said she hoped the C-I-A wasn't reading her email.

It's kind of scary when a sixty something (looks fifty) ex teacher and stay at home mom, current environmental projects volunteer, thinks the government is checking out her email.


Or, more likely, you'd think ... hmm, it's 2006 and Dick Cheney's in charge. So there you go. Better safe than sorry Mom!

Anyway, let me tell you some of the things that make my mom extra special:

She worked as a summer time fire lookout when she was in college and befriended a whole bunch of chipmunks.

She put up with ME when I acted like a bratty teenager (from approx. 1977 through 1995). Now that's a drawn out adolescence! More than she bargained for certainly. Sorry Mom. And, she allows me to continue acting like a teenager without making fun of me, even though I'm almost ... uh ... 30. (I'm not a brat anymore though).

She loves her grandkids but never ever ever pressured ME to give her any! woo HOO! She's never made me feel like a weirdo because I just wasn't interested.

She took Egg the cat into her home when I couldn't get my mean roommate to stop torturing him. Egg had a super happy life with Dick and Sally. And, if I really couldn't deal with Messy anymore, she'd take her off my hands as well. (she'd seriously consider it, anyway)

She's really nice to my friends.

She's always willing to give me a helping hand.

She loves my dad and keeps him happy.

She doesn't give me too hard a time about some of my more unattractive habits.

Even when she doesn't agree with the choices I make, she respects them.

She likes cute things as much as I do and understands why I think NOODLE is the most adorable cat in the world, when to most people, she's actually kind of weird looking. (Noodle, not my mom.)

When I was little, I was ALWAYS the girl in my class who had the prettiest mom! And she's still pretty! Plus she takes good care of herself so I don't have to worry about her getting sick.

There are TONS more reasons why my mom is really neat. But I don't want to embarass her. So MOM if you are reading this, I hope you have a super happy MOTHER's DAY!!

I'll try to send a card.

xoxoxoxo kisses!!!

Thursday, April 27, 2006


I can only aspire to be as clever as the Yahoo headline writer who came up with this gem:

Katrina report rips the White House anew

You know they wanted to write BUTTHOLE after that.

heh heh heh heh heh heh.

Only I would think that's funny. Maybe Terry, if she's in the mood to humor me. Or Angela, if it is 4:41 in the morning. Otherwise.


There. I said it.

We'll find out why an Oakland carpenter keeps a firm grip on his nail gun.

Again. Thanks Terry!

This is the week of giving credit where credit is due.

When you're a cat spinster, things that are stupid seem funny. Is this a good thing? You be the judge. On the plus side, I'm easily amused. On the other hand ... well ... my house smells like kitty poo.

I had a fun drink tonight! It was a cucumber cosmopolitan. A regular cosmopolitan, only made with cucumber infused vodka, then garnished with a cucumber that's been pickled in vodka for 17 years. WOO! that is one powerful slice o' cuke. Refreshing AND packs a punch!

Here's a piece of advice. If you're buying cut flowers get them at safeway. I'm something of a flower freak and Safeway's always last a long time. One time I got this bouquet to display at a friend's birthday party in October and they were STILL FRESH at Thanksgiving. NO LIE.

Right now I'm looking at a bouquet from A's baby shower on the 15th. Now gracing my side table.

Girdles are fun.

xoxoxo kisses.


Yes, I'm going on one.

In two weeks.

MAN!! Kaiser doctors are hard asses! Bitch would NOT kick down the shit ("why should I give you a stimulant to make you perky when it's clear you don't get enough sleep?")


Bitch, you try getting up at three thirty every morning and try and come up with something that makes sense.

She was really mean to me. And she had to throw in something rude about the doctor who originally held out the lifeline that is provigil. She's no longer a colleague, so why not talk shit?

However, I'm holding off on going postal for two weeks ... because she DID give me a two week hardship prescription (that I had to pay the three month price for) and she set me up with a sleep disorder clinic appointment. Saying THEY can medicate me IF it's not like she suspects ... that I don't get enough sleep because I either A. have sleep apnea or B. have A-D-D.

WHAT? Suddenly I have A-D-D because I'm tired from getting up at three in the morning? Also. she was all "we need to figure out why you don't get enough sleep." WHAT THE HELL?? I'm telling you right NOW!! BECAUSE GETTING UP AT THREE IN THE MORNING IS NOT THE NORMAL THING TO DO!!

She's all what's stopping you from going to bed at 6:30 at night?

HELLO?? because ... uh ... i have a ... life? sort of? kind of? I have friends I'd like to see and talk to? I have a special friend I'd like to see occasionally? These people have normal schedules? I have kitties that need playing and petting? I have a house that needs basic maintenance? I like an afternoon nap?

Also, going to work at an early time at the same time every day is NOT shift work. Shift workers are nurses. mmmhmmm.

Sorry peeps. The fresh flower you have known is soon to wilt and be replaced with a vicious little venus flytrap pod.

She did throw me the melatonin bone. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah eh.


xoxo sad sad kisses

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Cute Overlord

As you may or may not know (but- eh- if you're reading this, you probably do) I'm preparing to embark on a career of cat spinsterdom.

Unfortunately, (or maybe not) my current living space is TINY and only has room for one and a half cats. So I have to make do with the kittens the wonderful and talented (and fellow San Franciscan) Meg Frost of CUTE OVERLOAD posts on her most excellent website. Thanks Meg!

Here's my latest favorite. Aw!! ber schnerbel! could there be a cuter or more mischevious kitty? I think not.

The sleeping kitten below is also a cute overload denizen.

I have to give credit where credit is due. I can't tell you how many times a visit to that site has put me to rights when I've been a little down in the cheese.


xoxoxo kisses!

guh wah?

Man I am TIRED.

I feel the way this little guy looks.

I wish I was a baby kitten with a little kitten dolly and could just curl up and sleep.

But no, because I'm an adult human I have to get up and go to work. Piss!!

Not to worry, my appointment with my dealer, er, I mean DOCTOR is on Thursday. Which means I shall once again have my magical fun bits. YES. Provigil puts the FUN in functional.

As a bonus, I have the day off since my doctor's appointment falls smack into the middle of the workday. RIGHT ON. or as Lolita would say: RIGHT ARM!

Speaking of Lolita, I talked to her last night. She is getting ready to graduate and is thinking about moving back to San Francisco!! Hooray!

I am getting a very small new friend today. Yes, Angela is scheduled to give birth to young Luke this morning. I'm sure all will go well. Happy birthday Luke!! You're a partyer!

I'm going to take a nap on my desk now. nighty night!!

xoxoxo kisses and love!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

ber schnorgle

Teacup redux!

I went to Anna's yesterday and visited with the Wonder-twins and little Mr. D.

We had poppers and beer again. YUM. I think that is my all time favorite dinner.

Lucia was wearing her strawberry jammies when I got there. Then she put on a cute little sundress with matching pants and TIGHTS. BOY!!

In other news ....

When I got home Tuesday from walking the Nut, I found Messy and Noodle sitting on the couch together. Unbidden LOVE!!

okay, they were sitting sort of far apart.

But it seems old lady cat and her hairball with a collar unexplicably infused with life may be making a peace of sorts.

Did I mention the sun is out?

Hello sun! welcome back! Please stay for the summer!

Kaiser is a bunch of butts. They are WITHHOLDING my all important brain clearing wake up drugs!! What the HELL?? MEAN!!

They better kick it down. Or else I may go on a rampage.

I have an unhealthy attachment to the program "America's Next Top Model." I don't know why. Perhaps I secretly wish to be Tyra Banks. I do NOT want to be that orange dude. Also, I like Twiggy.

Only five weeks until I enter adulthood. erk. I am scared, yet resolute.

kisses!! xoxoxo

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The Long Weekend

I managed to leave the house each day this weekend!

That's pretty good for a recluse like me.

On Saturday, we had a party for Angela's new little baby. He hasn't been born yet, but he's already had his first party! Go Luke!

On Sunday, I went to San Rafael to have Easter dinner with my Uncle, Aunt and cousins. Guess what? My cousin is going to have a baby so I'm getting a new relation who I am sure will be VERY cute and nice.

The rain has totally wrecked my bike Cuddles. Dammit!! She's going in to the shop this week for fixing. I hope they can help her. She's miserable right now. Stupid rain.

I get to do something super fun after work today. Peanut's mom has to work late so I am going to her house to take Peanut for a walk. She will probably also want to be petted and maybe even snuggled. Hooray!

xoxoxo kisses!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

15 years of FUN

Guess what!!

I've been working for the same company now for 15 years!! today is the anniversary of the day I was first sent over here (or, i should say, sent to our "sister" station) by my temp agency.

Of course I have to point out that I left for awhile, in 1998, and didn't come back until late 2000.

It was fun to be away, but I'm happy to be back in the bosom of my dysfunctional faux-family.

Where's my Tiffany pen?

xoxoxo kisses!!!

Monday, April 10, 2006

The little things

They're very important for one's happiness.

Today I was sitting here at work kind of sad because you know, it's Monday and everything. The weekend is behind us, the work week looms. Nothing but hours and hours of tedious toil.

Suddenly, here's Terry! And guess what she brought me? A teeny weeny bunny atop a ballpoint pen! The bunny is pink and is wearing a purple hoodie. So not only is it cute, it's FUNCTIONAL! That is so rocking.

As you may or may not know, Workplace Comfort Hippo is on assignment. He was vectored to a co-worker's home to comfort and heal said co-worker on the occasion of his broken knee. We've been making do here with Blood Drop Beanie but as you can probably imagine, a stuffed blood drop doesn't offer the same level of comfort as a hippo. So Bunny on a Pen arrived just in time.

Thanks Terry!!

Boy, Noodle was a massive spaz yesterday! jumping all over the place and running amok. She excited herself so much she got short of breath (not hard to do when your respiratory apparatus is a nubbin) and was wandering around like a baby snuffelupagus.

I hated that Snuffelupagus jerk on Sesame Street because he appeared only to Big Bird and no one believed Big Bird and in fact, thought he was crazy when he mentioned Snuffelupagus. And Snuffelupagus wouldn't help him out. I don't watch that show anymore, but from what I understand, Snuffelupagus' existence is now general knowledge.

Thank God.

xoxoxo kisses!!!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Good Lord

This dog is wearing a modified wristband.

(((Of course this photo is from my favorite website in the world. )))


I want a tiny puppy so I can make it outfits out of random crap lying around the house.

If I had a panda it could wear my clothes. That would be fun too.

Time to get the sandwiches!!!

xoxoxoxo kisses!!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Teacup Update

Guess what? Today I went to Pacifica to visit the little Teacups.

They are cute as ever!!

Their big brother was also in fine form. He is kicking ass on puzzles and finding new uses for tupperware.

Anna fixed me dinner which consisted of beer and poppers. All around, it was one of the pleasantest afternoons I've had in awhile.

I got my cookie dough today! I am baking two cookies right now for my dessert of poppers.

I put a Cadbury chocolate pastel egg on top of each one just for the heck of it. They look mighty festive.

The sun was out and sparkling on the water over in Anna's neighborhood. It was really nice.

Hopefully the capricious orb will visit my part of town soon.

xoxoxo kisses!!

Monday, April 03, 2006

oh bleh

Okay okay okay y'all win. I too cannot wait for a non-moist day. gah.

I have a new theme song. It's from the movie Hustle and Flow and it's called "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp." It even won best song at the Oscars.

C'mon, sing it with me ...

You know it's hard out here for a pimp (you ain't knowin)When he tryin to get this money for the rent (you ain't knowin)For the Cadillacs and gas money spent (you ain't knowin)Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit (you ain't knowin)

Boy, I can relate. It IS hard out here for a pimp. But whatever. I manage.

It helps that today I had my monthly allotment of McD french fries. Yum!!

Okay, well we've got a new season going here now. That would be Spring, my bitches!! So yes. I am trying to decide whether it should be the Spring of Love ... or what? The Winter of Pleasure was pretty darn nice. The Spring of Happiness has a certain ring. I'll give it a whirl. I guess.

OOH yes. Then I can save love for summer! Righteous.

I went to Macy's today and begged some samples of the new Red Delicious perfume off the perfume lady. Angela wears Be Delicious and damn me if she doesn't always smell of a tasty treat. Red Delicious is similar but a little ... SPICY! (kind of like a burger king sandwich, maybe) It is advertized as smelling of a love affair in New York City. Now, that COULD be a good thing. As Terry says, it kind of depends on the whys and wherefores of said affair.

I don't need to be smelling TAWDRY for God's sake.

I have certain standards to maintain, after all.

So I now have these samples and all of you who smell me on a regular basis can weigh in.

If it doesn't smell like something funny is going on then maybe I'll get it.

I was also hoping against hope to find a dress to wear to Tihanna's wedding. I don't know why I keep going to Macy's to look for dresses to wear to these shindigs. I have NEVER found anything appropriate or attractive. Stupid Macy's.

So I tried on 10 dresses that looked super cute on the hanger. Not so much on the walking skin pouch.

This is a worrisome situation indeed.