The Realm

A Place Where Cheese Is Queen

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Location: San Francisco, CA

I'm fun.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

hello, hello!!

Guess what? Dane and Lucia are here!! They were born early this morning. Everybody is doing good. Congratulations Anna and Don!!! I just now got off the phone with Audrey who says Dane weighs 5.4 lbs and Lucia weighs 4.8 lbs. I'm going to go see them today.

I have some new pajamas for Anna and for the cuties too.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Me + Paris = BFF

I want to party with Paris Hilton. She seems like a dumbass, but we actually have a lot in common.

I happened to read a review of her new "book" this morning (YOUR HEIRESS DIARY: Confess It All to Me) and it seems she skimmed MY diary for these words to live by:

"There's only one thing to do if you are at a party with no cute guys: Leave."

"More clothes are better than less (sic) clothes. A girl needs a lot of options or she'll be in a bad mood."

Damn straight! Preach it Paris!!

She kind of seems like a bitch though. I don't like how she flaunts her new relationship with Mary Kate Olsen's ex. I'd talk to her about her man-stealing ways if we were buds.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxo

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

ANOTHER alter ego

These are sad days, indeed.

Angela is working afternoons because "The Runiner" went off to Houston. So she has to stay home in the mornings to watch Ole. Which means my days are virtually jelly-less. It is very lonely having to walk to the coffee cart by myself. EVERY DAMN DAY Marlin asks me "where's your partner?" And I thought explaining she was in Norway 15 times was tiring. gah.

Well, we finally went to H&M. Or as it is now known in certain circles H and mo-fucking M. We bought a couple of items, but really, the thrill is gone. Practically purchaseless, we got stuck in the Union Square garage elevator with a frightened man. It wasn't the elevator malfunction which scared him, but the giddy, yet bitter fog clouding the air. The combination of prospective solo coffee cart forays and the total crap LETDOWN that is H&M put us in a certain UGLY mood. We became Gitter. Or .... perhaps .... Biddy. Yes. Angela is younger than me ... which means ... right. I am the Old Biddy.

Who would have thought that me and that nice datalounge panda-party poster person would have such an ugly side to us? We seem so sweet and harmless on the surface.

Speaking of pandas, my nice co-worker (actually the dude filling in for jelly) ((hmmm ...jelly filling?)) pointed out Channel Two's headline re: the baby panda's public debut in Washington:

"Panda-MONIUM at the National Zoo!!"

God that's stupid.

But hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah heh heh heh

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Cute is Happy

I am literally surrounded by cuteness today. It's a lot to be thankful for.

I wish you could see Peanut. She is asleep on my couch all wrapped up in my pink blanket waiting patiently for her walk. Her eyes are all squinched up and she's wiggling her face around trying to get as cozy as possible. AND she's snorting.

Messy is in the kitchen biting and gumming her little toy pig. She is cute as well if you pretend she is hugging and loving the pig instead of trying to tear it apart.

I am so glad the world harbors Peanut and Messy, baby pandas, personal pan monkeys, Johnny Depp in a pirate outfit, teacup kittens, Chao the Cheese and comfort hippos!!

Thank you planet Earth!!

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


My mom broke her arm! Poor mom! I hope you feel better soon. She has oatmeal and oxycontin so not to worry.

I am going to go to Portland at Xmas so I will see for myself that she is okay.

I am going to have a day off work on December 26th. This is a first. However, I still have to get through Thanksgiving. That won't be too difficult thanks to Peanut.

I am sort of silly in the morning. Which is unfortunate, because daily I'm confronted by my new crush, who gets his coffee from the coffee cart guy at the same time as Angela and I do. I don't know why I'm never acting normally when he walks up out of nowhere. Today I was dancing around with the cardboard tray. GAH!!!!!!!

Hope you all have a neato holiday!

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Monday, November 21, 2005

Hooray! I need a bag of Cheese!

I get to go to Costco after work!! For cheese. Rock ON.

Those goofballs down at Astrology dot com advised me to dress conservatively today ... to perhaps consider that I'm making people uncomfortable with my flashy clothes.

They said ... why not try a camel scarf?

I don't have one of those but as I'm not one to tempt fate I did take off my sparkly spangly skirt and put on a gray one. But to compromise I am wearing a green polka dotted shirt dress on top of that.

A construction worker outside stopped me to ask whether it was a two piece outfit or a dress, then said I looked very nice and original. So take that Astrology dot com! Not everyone hates my unconventional mode.

Only in San Francisco will a tough looking construction guy make a polite query like that. In any other town, it would be ... "uhh! how about some fries with that shake baby" or something equally inane. You ladies know what I'm talking about.

Jelly and I missed the cat show. Probably a good thing because apparently they had tons of little kittens in need of homes.

Today is Dick Shook's birthday! If you see Dick, give him a high five.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Friday, November 18, 2005


Sorry H&M, the love is gone.

For months, we'd been looking forward to this.

Last night ... our dreams were shattered ... like a shop window, crushed by the boot of a consumer denied her pleasure.

Stupid H&M sent out thousands of invitations to their pre-opening soiree ... and let only about one tenth of those people in. Needless to say, Angela and I were NOT waiting in the line that wrapped around the block. This is not fucking Man Ray. It's a frigging discount clothing chain.

So, to buoy our disappointment, we went to Macy's ... I got boots I'd been coveting for 40 percent off ... then we had McNUGGETS! AND FRIES! So nyah nyah H&M! I'm WAY too bloated to fit into your clothes!! HA!

HOORAY! It's Friday! For your pleasure, I'm posting a picture of Donovan masquerading as the cutest tigger in the whole world. Don't you just want to give him a hug?

Speaking of the cute ... Angela's growing Lemon has revealed his gender. That's right. I said his. Lemon is a BOY!!!! Okay, unless he's a cross dresser I won't be able to get him cute little girly outfits. BUT! no worries! If he turns out to be half as sweet as his big brother Ole ... then the world will be a mighty nice place to be, indeed.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Fluffy Weirdo Dancer

In 12 and one half hours, the magic will begin.

That's when Angela and I will bust through the barrier at the new H&M.

We're all business. No time for social niceties. Where's my drink? Where are the dressing rooms?

I cannot frigging WAIT.

I met this fun girl from London the other day. I was at Macy's and she was buying some very fashionable boots. I tried them on as well but couldn't get them up over my shapely calves. Oh well. She was "just visiting for two days, love, because dollars to pounds it's worth the cost of the trip." DAMN!

That is the coolest thing ever. In my next life I'm going to be a styley girl from London!

I mean shit. They've had H&M for years! I am such a rube.

If you're looking for something delicious and squishy to serve for dessert, I have a suggestion.

Trader Joe's toffee cake, fresh out of the oven, topped with unwhipped sweetened baker's cream. YES.

This morning my upstairs neighbor was barfing up a storm.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Hooray for the Universe!

Once again, my horoscope is telling me it's time to mix. Yesterday, it said I should emerge from my cave ... today I am advised to come out of hibernation. Thanks stars! Why don't you tell Mercury to start acting like a normal planet? Those astrology dot com fools are clearly onto something.

Speaking of weird, my alarm clock didn't wake me up this morning. Instead, it was a television turned up full volume ... on a really LOUD cartoon ... no dialogue, just old fashioned sounds and music. I could only hear it in my room. My theory is that I was hearing some kind of spectral soundtrack from the past.


The spirit world is full of mystery. There's gotta be something better to do than watch cartoons once we shrug off this mortal coil ... you know ... like sometimes I wonder ... what if I died before I found out what happened on Lost? Can I still watch it? Will I have to haunt someone's house to be able to see it? It better not be at the home of one of those weirdos who wields the channel changer like a maniac during the commercials, causing their hapless T-V watching friends to miss the crucial parts. I'd have to get all poltergeist on them.

I don't know if you know this, but I've finally figured out which movie character represents my perfect man. It is Damone on Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Don't ask me to explain. Just remember ... wherever you are ... THAT's the place to be. (Isn't this GREAT?)

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

PS: If you can tell me which of my ex-lovers Damone most resembles, you'll get a cookie.

*hint* he didn't care if I came, stayed, laid or prayed either. Nor did he care about keeping his feet warm.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Guess What?

Pig butt!!

Just kidding.

Mercury is retrograde AGAIN! Goddammit, winged messenger of the gods!! Make up your mind! I can't take it anymore!

The lovely Pickle called to tell me the happy news yesterday afternoon. Thanks Pickle! Forewarned is forearmed, I guess.

In order to steel myself against my ruling planet's capricious activity, I went to Ross and got some new flannel jammies. They are blue and have SMILEY FACES all over them.

I'm looking mighty cheerful this morning.

! Interestingly, my horoscope says today's the day I need to emerge from my cave. Astrology dot com assures me my friends are irritated that I've been neglecting them.

Sorry peeps! I'll be back tomorrow in fine fettle.

Yesterday I went to see Anna and her little buddy Donovan. First Anna and I got Mani/Pedi's, courtesy of her nice mother in law. My toes are pink!

THEN we went to Taco Bell. Damn straight. That shit is good.

After that we got to play with little D. Now there is a cute kid. I know, I know, non parents, you get all bored when people start going on and on about the cute things their kids do. But, as a non parent myself, let me assure you, the kids in my life are EXTRA damn cute, and I can't help but brag about their cute little activities. Anyway. Donovan has this stuffed pumpkin. He likes to push his face into it and smoosh it as hard as he can. He loves his pumpkin! aw. little d ... you're adorable. Then he picks his face up and says "pum-ker" (some unintelligible babble that is supposed to be pumpkin.) He also thinks the moon is a ball that lives in the sky. hah hah hah heh. Okay, I'll shut up now.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Monday, November 14, 2005

Joyful tidings ...

Now is a very good time to be my friend.

That's because my dear friends' dreams are coming true:

Mari: New, challenging job that allows her to spread the joy regarding bicycle commuting

Lola: Getting off to a fabulous start her second year at University of Chicago plus the opportunity to spend some post graduate time in NEW YORK CITY ...

Tex: Who doesn't want a piece of her? She kicks ass and takes names across the board

Nicole: Nice work Pickle!! She's starting a new job and has a happy new home

Angela: The growing lemon ...

Anna: Not one, not two but THREE little sweeties!!! (and we get to buy dresses for one of them!)

and ... last ... but not least! CINDY IS GETTING MARRIED!!

Her new fiancee asked her to be his wife on her birthday! Way to score, Popp!

So if you are my friend and DON'T see your name on this list ... never fear ... your time is coming!

My positive power rays are seeking you out and sending you all the good cheese you deserve.

I don't have a God complex. Really. It's just that when wonderful things happen, they're like bunnies. They just keep multiplying ...making even more delightful wishes come true.

Okay -- I got to go get my laundry.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Friday, November 11, 2005


I love that expression.

The fun magazine fairy is planning to pay a visit to the newsroom next week. I can't wait.

Today is the day my face will be transformed. I am nervous, yet calm. The best part is that I get to take a (doot doo doo DOO) FOUR DAY WEEKEND!

Furthermore, I cannot let sunlight touch my face, so I have a total excuse to wear pajamas for 96 hours straight. Yes. It is a magical dream. I have stocked my home with books and snacks. I won't see another human until Wednesday. I have enough cash to order a pizza.

Tomorrow is Cindy's birthday. Happy birthday Cindy!! Your gift is not in the mail, because I suck. It's sitting on my dresser.

Guess what? I get to take care of Peanut on Thanksgiving. hooray!!

MY FRIEND ASHLEY just got here!!!!! That is cooooool.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Thursday, November 10, 2005


Things were going so well too!

It turns out all the spoilers were right. Shannon is dead. Piss!

I kind of liked her. But the real reason I am sorry she's gone because NOW we'll never again get to see Sayid in a compromising position.

Frankly, the big N.A. is all talk and no action.

And I got in trouble for calling attention to his promising yet ultimately empty comments on "The View." Ah, Naveen ... you typical man. You owe me one, bitch!

On a happier note, America's Next Top Model is the best show EVAH!! Janice Dickensen is my idol and I miss her, but Tyra is in fine form.

And on the world's HAPPIEST note ... guess what came in the mail today, for both me and Jelly?

That's right. Invitations to the pre-opening party for H and mo-FUCKING M!!!

The soiree includes cocktails. It includes snacks. It includes THREE hours of shopping with a 25 percent discount. And if you're familiar with H and M ... then you know their shit is free anyway. Hooray! Free fall wardrobe! This is TRULY the FALL OF FRUGALITY!!!!!

Oh yes. I'll likely be sporting a skinless face but nothing less than a double date with Johnny Depp and Hugh Jackman could keep me away.

And frankly, I'd consider rescheduling that as well.

In other cheese, T-Mobile offers the Spongebob and Patrick classic "Now That We're Men" as well as the goofy goober song as ringtones.

Could it be time to switch providers?

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Happy Day #2

Don't you love it when elections fall your way?

In additon ... YES.


The unveiling of Sayid. What could be better?

NOTHING! And I'm serving blobby nuggets on the side.

No one brought muffins to work today even though it was the day after election. GOD! Dory DID bring petite croissants though, so its all good.

Here's today's happiest headline:

(from AP)

Nickelodeon keeps the Krabby Pattys coming with 20 more ``SpongeBob SquarePants'' episodes!

Hooray! This is shaping up to be the BEST DAY EVER!

I better go buy a lottery ticket.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Don't forget to vote!

hah hah hah ah heh heh

That's rich, coming from me.

Though I promise to do my best. I accidentally threw away my voter's pamphlet so I don't know where to go to cast my ballot since I've moved since the last election.

I have my little thingy from the League of Pissed Off voters, so I know which way to vote. Arnold must go down.

The ROYALS are here! Not that I care. It's still sorta neat.

I am changing my name. From now on, I am known as DI-ah-nah. Before, it was pronounced di-AN-nah. The reason being: I'm really tired of people calling me Dana.

Rebecca calls me dee-wee. Hee hee.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Monday, November 07, 2005

Happy day!

I got a new bike a new bike a new bike!!! dooty doot DOO DOO!!!!!

It is so cool. It has 21 speeds so now I'm fast as a rocket ship.

AND it has a name: Cuddles.

I ALSO found the perfect home for the Classic Cruiser. If you read my last entry, you saw that I was really not wanting to let her go.

But is it really fair to keep such a nice bike off the street .. from doing what she does best ... just because I love her? That's not love at all. In fact, that's the kind of thing a couple of my ex boyfriends were wont to do. (None that are reading this, so chill.)

No, it's not fair at all. So I'm giving her to someone who can spoil her and make her feel special. I have a good feeling about this.

You know what's good? Pie.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Friday, November 04, 2005

The inherent dangers of anthromorphology

Okay. Whatever.


I cannot stop looking at photos and internet films of the baby pandas.

The first step is admitting you have a problem, so there you go. I think more people than we realize are in the same boat. These pictures are all OVER the net. I mean, this is a PHOTO OP for God's sake. The zoologists are acting as suppliers, the newspapers and news sites as dealers. I can't take it anymore, but I don't want to stop. So fuzzy ... so chubby ... so cuddly.

Someday, I will have a Panda outreach center, where sad people can come and hold pandas whenever they like.

In other news, I've been thinking about buying a new bike to ease my commute. Right now I ride this cool Schwinn Panther which is red and really styling ... basket, silk flowers, ribbons and all. And it's not too bad. But as fitness and frugality dictate that I ride to work at least three days a week, I now have to admit I need something a bit more HEAVY-DUTY.

So, yesterday I went to Pedal Revolution to check out the inventory. And I think I found the bike I want! it's called the Plush Ride and it is PLUSH.
But, here's the thing. I have TWO bikes already. The Panther and my 100 pound black Schwinn that is in no way practical, but is SO cool and so much FUN to ride. Where will I keep a third bike? I can't get rid of the black Schwinn because it is my FRIEND. I have assigned it a personality and believe it has feelings and needs. There will be no trade-ins, donations or (NO!!) bikes sales. I tried to palm it off on Cindy but she didn't sound too sure about being able to take care of it. Even my mom doesn't want to keep it for me. (after Egg, I can't say I blame her).

An even bigger worry is Kerplumpy. I don't know WHAT I'll do when I've saved up enough money for my mini. Mini money. Poor little Kerplumpy! So faithful and kind. I actually caught myself thinking yesterday about how lonely and bored Kerplumpy probably is because I don't drive him to work every day.

Yes, indeed. I need help.

I need to take that Ikea commercial with the lamp in the rubbish bin to heart.

But you'll NEVER take Melvin away from me.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Your Money or Your Life Bitches!

Happy Birthday Adam Ant!!!!!

Dude. Stand and Deliver, indeed.

The years have not been kind to my dear sweet highwayman.

You may recall that he shot up an English pub a couple of years ago, when a patron at said pub dissed him in some way.

I doubt he had matching dueling pistols for that caper ... but ... GO ADAM! I don't care! You are still my top celebrity crush by dint of your extreme weirdness. How could I not love you?

Anyway, Adam is now 51 years old. I hope he's having a good day.

One thing to say about this guy ... his roadies are ON TOP of their game.

When I was 17 years old ... just about to turn 18, Adam came to Portland to play the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall. So me and Sonya (my fellow Ant fan) attended the show. Together we had seen Adam about two years previous during his first solo tour. Now we were veterans ... a little more mature ... and ready to PARTY! I had obtained tickets in the second row. Our view was unobstructed. It was AWESOME. Adam: in fine form, as always.

So after the show, we went outside to smoke some cloves when lo and behold ... it's the band's equipment truck, with a friendly roadie sitting inside. "Hello girls," he said. We asked him (probably in high pitched squealing tones) whether he was "with the band." He answered in the affirmative, invited us into his cab for refreshments, and proceeded to invite us to the after party in ADAM ANT'S HOTEL ROOM!!!

Okay, who were we to say no? It's groupie heaven.

So, we're biding our time, waiting for the party to start, when the roadie asks us how old we are.

We're ALMOST 18!! We're going to graduate from high school in a few weeks! WOO FUCKING HOO!!

Roadie guy is horrified. Tells us to get out. But WHY? Ah, sweet innocence. BECAUSE, IDIOTS, you have to be 18 to hang out with Adam Ant so he isn't charged with statutory rape!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ... looking back, our naivete is so endearing. All we wanted to do was tell Adam how much he inspired us. We didn't want to MAKE OUT with him!

What a guy, roadie guy. Oh well. It may have been for the best. The next time I went to see my orthodontist (somewhat of a new wave music fan himself) he told me the girl who caught Adam's sweaty ass fishnet tank top when he threw it into the crowd ... (it WAS 1984, peeps) ... one of his patients, as it happens, ended up DOING IT with Adam that night. Or so she told the good Doctor Wooley. WOW!!! (and eghh, sort of.)

Someone fell down on that I-D check apparently.

Anyways. My love for the big AA has never dimmed, despite his questionable ability to determine the legality of his paramours and his thin skin when confronted with his ultimate insignificance at the local.

My youthful angst ... revealed:

I'm the dandy highwayman who you're too scared to mention I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention The devil take your stereo and your record collection! The way you look you'll qualify for next year's old age pension! Stand and deliver your money or your life! Try and use a mirror no bullet or a knife! I'm the dandy highwayman so sick of easy fashion The clumsy boots, peek-a-boo roots that people think so dashing So what's the point of robbery when nothing is worth taking? It's kind of tough to tell a scruff the big mistake he's making Stand and deliver your money or your life! Try and use a mirror no bullet or a knife! And even though you fool your soul Your conscience will be mine All mine We're the dandy highwaymen so tired of excuses Of deep meaning philosophies where only showbiz loses We're the dandy highwaymen and here's our invitation Throw your safety overboard and join our insect nation Stand and deliver your money or your life! Try and use a mirror no bullet or a knife! Even though you fool your soul Your conscience will be mine, all mine da diddley qa qa da diddley qa qa da diddley qa qa da diddley qa qa da diddley qa qa da diddley qa qa da diddley qa qa da diddley qa qa Stand and deliver your money or your life! Stand and deliver your money or your life!

Hmm. Okay. qa qa qa diddley.

Until later, love and kisses xoxoxoxo

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The changing of the cheese

Look! It's back! The cute little blue thing that is Cheese the Chao from Sonic X Adventure!

So now you can learn more about Cheese and its best friend ... the other creature you see here, who is named Cream.

It took me forver to find an image of my sweet smiling little Cheese that I could post here ... so enjoy!

Cheese is SO CUTE!! I wonder why it's not all over McDonald's Happy Meals! Why doesn't it have its own movie?

Anyway, I hope you like my new profile picture.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Light Day of the Soul

I am so glad Halloween is over.

Although I must say my Mother Nature/Woodland Fairy/Nymph Daphne/Flowering Meadow/Blooming Tree/Leprechaun outfit is fairly versatile.

Tex dressed as Princess Leia last night. She made her costume in 20 minutes while we sipped cocktails at her house. If she sends a picture I'll post it because she looked so CUTE.

Today is All Soul's Day ... one of my favorite days of the year ... because it is also PICKLE'S Birthday!!!! Happy Birthday Pickle!! I love you!

I was a sad little flowering meadow this weekend ... but I'm over it now. Thanks, my peeps.

This dog is an affenpinscher. Isn't he cute? It now tops my list as the kind of dog I want. I met one this weekend at an estate sale in Berkeley.

Good news! Beer is a wholesome and nutritious food. So says Professor Charles Bamforth of U-C Davis. Thanks Chuck!!

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo