The Realm

A Place Where Cheese Is Queen

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Location: San Francisco, CA

I'm fun.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Monday ...

Today I got to stay home from work! And its rainy and gloomy out! What could be better?

I found a load of cheesey mystery novels in my recycling bin downstairs. So there is plenty to read.

My nice friend Terry had taped an A & E Movie for me called Flight 93 that I had wanted to see, but since I don't have cable ... yeah. Anyway. So I watched it and it was quite good. Depressing, yes. It kind of brought it all back. When Deena Burnett was on the radio shortly after her husband took part in thwarting the highjackers and was asked how did it feel to know your husband is a hero, she kind of chuckled and said ... oh, Tom wouldn't want to be known as a hero. But the movie portrayed him and the other peeps on that plane as very brave. All I can say is that if I was ever in a similar situation, I hope I would act with the same resolve. Sorry Tom. You've been elevated.

Anyways. So to cheer myself up I'm going to go take a walk in the rain. :o).

Don't forget to remind your loved ones that you think they are super neato.

xoxoxo kisses

Friday, February 24, 2006

Three day WEEKEND


Not only will my weekend last until Tuesday ... I get to spend two days with my very best friend who is not human!

Peanut! **snort**

We are going to have fun!

Peanut will be spreading the love tonight in Oakland when we go visit Dean. D is thinking about getting a dog now that he's a homeowner, and one night with Peanut should be enough to convince him to get a whole herd. I think.

Actually I think Dean should get a minicow. That would make me very happy. I could open a tiny cheese factory over there on his patio.

If he got a minicow, he would need a mini cattle dog. Actually, a Peanut type dog would probably get the job done. She is, after all, a BULL dog. Although Dean's cow would have to be female in order to be a cheese provider. Come to think of it, at some point the cow would have to have a baby so I could fawn over the BABY MINICOW. So a boy cow has to be involved somewhere.

I would name the baby minicow "Patty." (get it?? hah hah hah)

Technically it would be Dean's baby minicow, so I would only suggest the name Patty and hope Dean liked it.

kisses xoxoxo

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

In Solidarity

Poor poor Messy.

She looks a little unhinged in this photo.

But I think her problem is she doesn't feel quite so pretty anymore.

So in order to help her feel not so alone, I am wearing the Housecoat of Low Self-Esteem whenever I am at home.


Would you like to take part in an unofficial survey?

I am thinking of changing my last name to "star."

As in: "Hello, my name is Diana Star."

Or, "Welcome to the embassy, Ms. Star."

Or, "President Star will take no more questions."

Or: "Cleveland, please welcome .... DIANA STAR!"

I think it sounds kind of cool.

So the survey asks: Would it be a good thing to change my name to "Star"?

Yes or no will suffice.

kisses!! xoxoxo

Sunday, February 19, 2006


The creature that was once a cat known as Messy is now unrecognizable.

With her new haircut she looks like some sort of character Dr. Suess would have drawn as the monster in a horror novel, had the good doctor been engaged in writing that type of story.

I have no hair, I don't care
It matters not
But laugh if you dare
I did not kill
but I will, I will
Just my teeth
and my claws
are enough
there are no laws
for hairless cats
or vampire bats
or even kittens
with just cause and reason

I would NOT want to see Messy in a dark alley right now.

I think she feels better without all those tangles all over. She's still kind of a butthole though. Poor little Noodle got swiped across the face. Perhaps there is some kitty way of laughing your ass off that I don't recognize but Messy did. Because Noodle was probably doing it.

The vet said because she doesn't have any fur that Messy must be kept warm. So I McGyver'd my heater and now it is TOASTY in my den of sin. Next time Lolita comes to visit she won't have to wear a sleeping bag.

Today I went to see Anna, little D and the teacups!! We went to Target. Actually the pocket peeps didn't but Donovan came along and helped us shop.

So Terry has requested some highly classified information as some sort of "blog tagging" activity. I am not sure how this works but have been asked to answer the following questions:

Four Jobs I've Had

Mickey D burger maker
Toys R Us boss of the My Little Pony aisle
Rock fan wrangler/Party Bitch
Online "Erotica" (not, but tried to be) Editor

Four Movies I Can Watch Repeatedly

Fast Times at Ridgmont High
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
Dangerous Liasions

Four Places I've Lived

Milwaukie, Oregon
Eugene, Oregon
Portland, Oregon
San Francisco

Four TV Shows I Love

The Mary Tyler Moore Show
America's Next Top Model
The first and second seasons of "Survivor"

Four Places I've Vacationed

New Zealand
The "O-G"

Four of My Favorite Dishes

Extra cheesey pizza with pesto and pinenuts
Baguette and butter
Blackberry Crisp with WHIPPED cream
Mashed Potatoes

Four Sites I Visit Daily

Cute Overload
"Queen of the Dorks"
"The OK Corral"

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now

Johnny Depp's house
In my pajamas
On a horse
Petting a baby panda

That made me hungry for mashed potatoes.

xoxoxo kisses

Friday, February 17, 2006


Messy is a very bad kitty.

This morning she crawled onto my bedside table and upended it, wrecking my alarm clock and knocking over a vase of flowers.

I had to get up and strip everything off my bed so that my feather bed could dry out after getting flower water all over it.

This was at 1 o'clock in the morning.

Stupid Messy. It's all good for her. She has a million beds. But I only have one. SHE doesn't have to get up at 3:45 A-M. She's probably snoozing right now.

Not to worry. I'm getting my revenge tomorrow. She's going to the vet to get all of her fur cut off.

She's going to look like a giant dork. Ha Ha Messy!!!

It is very annoying here today.

xoxoxo love and kisses

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Deep thoughts

Hello there!!

You know a song is good when it puts you right back to where you were when it really meant something to you.

I don't even like Bruce Springsteen. I never did. Not much anyway. But this morning I heard the song "Born To Run" on the radio on my way to work. Talk about summing up how I feel about being chained to an ordinary life.

But, it had the effect too of reminding me how lucky I am that my job, at least, is something I like to do.

When that song was newer, I was one year into college. My college years were marked by summers during which jobs ... even menial jobs ... were hard to come by. So when my brother suggested Cindy and I join him at a fruit processing plant for the midnight to 8 A-M shift, we said, what the hell.

We lasted four days. Cindy and I, that is. But my brother worked there the whole summer. I guess because he didn't care about wearing a hairnet. I didn't either. But I simply could NOT handle standing for eight hours straight in the inspection line picking out slugs, dirt and other grossness in mushed up strawberries destined for the can.

Dude. Do NOT eat canned strawberries. The conveyor belt goes way too fast to get all the slug parts.

So for four nights, Cindy, Joe and I rode out to the cannery in our old beater, Joe driving, blasting Bruce songs. And Bruce was talking to us. Well, okay. Not really us. We didn't HAVE to work at the cannery. But everyone else who worked at that cannery did. Middle aged people earning $3.35 per hour to pick slugs out of speeding fruit in order to put food on the table. Imagine that. They had NO CHOICE. So the hopelessness and despair Bruce manages to convey in his songs were quite apt for those nights. Glory Days indeed. If working in a cannery was my future, I'd think my not at all glorious high school days were the best part of my life too.

Perhaps we could have dealt with it if we had been of legal drinking age. At least we could have had a beer after our shifts to numb the pain.

On a happier note, I'm having frozen steel cut oatmeal for breakfast today.

Slugs don't live in Oat fields, do they?

Sayid, you can torture me anytime. But please, leave the pliers outside.

xoxoxo love and kisses xoxoxo

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

animal farm

Today a miniature horse that lives in Oakland accidentally got out of his yard.

He was found grazing in a neighbor's garden and has been reunited with his human.

Before I die, I will have my own farm.

It will not be a working farm. It will be a farm for mini livestock I will keep as pets.

Here is what will live at my farm:

2 mini horses

1 baby llama

Several ducks plus ducklings

1 mini pig

1 mini cow (this will be a working animal as it will provide me with cheese)

1 mini goat (also a cheese provider)

1 normal sized horse

1 hedgehog

1 french bulldog

18 kittens

1 mini panda

assorted hummingbirds, turtles, frogs, etc.

I will need lots of free time to keep these animals fed and happy, so I will wait until I retire, then get the farm.

It's certainly something to look forward to.

xoxo love and kisses xoxoxo

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Hearts and Teacups

I wish I would have written this book. There is a companion volume, called "Binky." Highly recommended.

Happy Valentine's Day, peeps!! So far, I have received one Valentine. It is from a co-worker who gives Sees' (yum) to every lady here every year. Thanks Mel! you are a good cupid.

We had a special surprise today! Anna came in here and brought the teacups! Lucia is a sweet little teeny flower. Dane is a happy smiley face. BOY! they are so cute.

I think they had super fun visiting.

In addition, Angela has finally returned from her time off!! I missed Jelly. She brought me this teeny weeny stuffed dog, but said he is NOT a Valentine's Day gift. So I didn't include him in my official list.

He is SO cute and small.

Why are items in miniature so appealing?

Speaking of miniature, Noodle (mini-messy) is so sweet when she wakes up in the morning. Normally she has these giant round eyes. But when she first wakes up she has to squint. She looks like the world's smallest 200 year old woman covered in fur. Sounds not attractive, but it really is adorable. She also makes sounds that are remarkably dove like.

Right now there is a smorgasbord of treats less than three feet away from me. There is a chocolate cake with chocolate mousse filling, rice krispy treats and cream cheese brownies.

I wish it was Valentine's Day every day.

I hope everyone I love has a day full of flowers, candy, teacups, and other fun surprises.

love and kisses xoxoxo

Friday, February 10, 2006


This is Bugsy the Dwarf Rabbit demonstrating how to use the Pleasanton humane society's emergency equipment to save animals during fires and other emergencies.

Thanks SF Gate! and thanks Joe ... for putting aside your manly disdain for the cute long enough to make sure I saw Bugsy's photo op.

Bugsy!! He looks so professional here.

Anyways. No cheese here. I'm still Sleepless in San Francisco. HAH!!

I should take advantage and go out dancing all night. I mean I am HOPPING out of bed these days.

But I am a little afraid to show myself in public because of the bags under my eyes.

I always got them bags, of course, but man. I have really overpacked. There's no way they'd fit in the overhead compartment.

One night at the House of Shields this guy said to me "you know, you'd look about ten years younger if you didn't have those horrible bags under your eyes."

He was trying to get back at me for a perceived insult to his sweater. I had told him it was cute and that he looked like a poet in it and he took offense for whatever reason. It WAS cute! he was a jerk.

So of course I burst into tears and ran to the ladies lounge.

But it turned out fine because Lexi kicked the fucker out ... and eighty sixed him forever once she heard what happened. hah HAH dummy!!

Thanks Lexi! you rule.

Lexi is good friends with my former roommate Nadia and her boyfriend James. I get to hang out with Nadia this weekend!! we're having a slumber party. hooray!! Well, a party anyway. Don't know how much slumbering will get done.

So if anyone has a recommendation for an effective eyebag shrinking potion, shoot me an email.

love xoxoxoxoxo kisses

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Elusive Slumber

I have apparently pissed this dude off.

“O, Somnus, divine repose of all things!Gentlest of the deities!Peace to the troubled mind, from which you drive the cares of life.Restorer of men's strength when wearied with the toils of day.”

Ovid, Metamorphoses, Book XI (1 A.D.)

Somnus, a-k-a Hypnos, Greek God of sleep, hasn't been kind to me as of late. He has refused to come to me in the afternoons, and arrives at night, grudgingly, long after my clock has clicked past the expected time of our once joyous rendezvous. What have I done? Could it be that I have partaken too heavily of the food of the Gods (tylenol P-M with a Nyquil chaser), thus abusing his favor? Even tempting the lovely Somnus with these methods no longer works. He is on to me and my tricks. DAMMIT!

Or perhaps, as is sometimes the way of deities, I am being tested. My mind churns in his absence, and that may be his goal. Dear Somnus may be asking me to put more thought into my future and more care into the crafting of its path.

So okay. Last night I thought, hey! The SF police department needs hundreds of cops! I could become an officer, with the caveat that I'm put on the horse patrol! I once met a former SF mounted cop who said to me ... when I asked her whether she liked her job ... "well, wouldn't you like to earn double overtime while riding a horse on Ocean Beach at sunset?"

Yes. That would be acceptable. Unfortunately, this officer had to leave the force when a pit bull attacked her horse, which ended up throwing her off his back and leaving her with a crippling injury. So there is that side of it. (the horse was hurt and spooked, but okay.)

Here's another idea. I have come up with a truly original recipe for nutritious, lowfat and DELICIOUS breakfast cookie bar things. My mom knows how to make these equally yummy and good for you savory cookies. Perhaps we could market them and make MILLIONS!! Mom??

But that's the best I can do, and I think I'd be better off if my Somnus would again grace me, as he has so faithfully done all my life. (what can I say? I AM lazy as hell)

Even Dionysus, whom I turned to last night while watching LOST, seems to have forsaken me. His elixir failed to inspire drowsiness as well.

((((((Speaking of. Sawyer. He's not nice and I love that about him.)))))

Maybe they are on vacation? DO minor deities GET holiday time off?

That's not fair. My closest colleague and I aren't allowed to take time off at the same time. Who approved this little jaunt?

Come back, Somnus ... I promise never to again taint our sacred union with false tactics .... (uh, unless I'm trying to avoid the wrath of good Dionysus, a-k-a, a hangover).

I'll let you know tomorrow whether my plea is successful.

love xoxoxoxo kisses

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The ill fitting garment

What the hell is up with my idiot skirt today? The outside, the "shell", if you will, fits perfectly. The inside, a-k-a the lining, is tight as hell. It makes the whole thing uncomfortable and dumb.

But I will say something nice about this skirt. It is purple, the lustrous, velvety purple of a perfectly ripe summertime plum, suspended on its branch, basking in the dusty sun ... bobbing about in the gentle breeze.

NOW you KNOW that's a pretty purple.

F-Y-I the lining of the skirt is purple too. But it is still stupid.

Lost is on tonight! hubba hubba.

Can you think of a food that is NOT enhanced by the addition of cheese?

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxo

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Cheese is in the Air!!

Only seven shopping days left until Valentine's Day!!

I actually used to despise Valentines' Day. I was the first in line when Rebecca made her patented broken heart cookies. Even on those Valentine's Days when I had a man like item in my life, it still sucked. Although one year my boyfriend at the time gave me the best Valentine gift ever ....! A Raggedy Ann doll hugging a Raggedy Andy doll. Aw! After we broke up, I wrote a very sappy poem about those dolls. Man! it's a good thing I didn't have Internet access at the time.

Another year this other person I dated made me do a little treasure hunt to find my gift. It was a car stereo that I wanted for the then baby (just six weeks old!) Kerplumpy. Little did I realize, though, that this stereo and the Kerplumpy dash were not compatible. No problem, says boyfriend. I'll just rip out the existing panel, install the stereo and build you a new dash.

Right. And that wouldn't violate the warranty. This guy got so flaming pissed that I didn't trust him with my new car and a set of welding tools that he took back the stereo, returned it to the store, and said I didn't deserve a Valentine's Day gift because I didn't appreciate it.

He said plenty of other stuff too. Then his ass hit the curb. Yay! Happy Valentines' Day!!

Yep. I've dated some real charmers. Romantic Love and I have not always traveled easily as companions.

But, I have found a way to celebrate the day dedicated to love and remain true to my solo but not lonely heart.

I'm no Christian, so Christmas isn't a big deal to me. So, instead of giving out lavish gifts that seem expected on a holiday that doesn't mean anything to me, I give out not so lavish gifts on a holiday that stands for something that I am ALL about. People with Valentines, and those without, one and all welcome a nice little sweet or good smelling treat. And it brightens up the day to get a token of love in the middle of February. There's not such a big BUILD UP to Valentines' Day, so you can get away with giving something small and heartfelt. At Christmas, you kind of feel like you have to spend a LOT or else your prezzie will get lost amidst all your recipients' other goodies. It's likely your loved ones aren't getting more than one, two, or maybe three other gifts on February 14. So my gift, even it's a bit SMALL, will certainly stand out.
And, by seven weeks after the tinsel is down, most people are not thinking, "hey! that cheap ass didn't get me nothing for Xmas!"Instead, they say to themselves, "gee, Cheese is just another word for love."

Now that is the truth.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Monday, February 06, 2006

Hairball Love

For those of you who have not yet met Noodle, a friend of mine came up with a description of her, so you can get a clear picture in your mind.

"Wow! you got a new cat!" he exclaimed.

"I did indeed!" I replied proudly. "Is she not adorable!"

"Hmmm... yes, yes ..." he says, whilst stroking his chin. "hmmmmmm....."

"WHAT?" I queried, excitedly, yet with a touch of apprehension.

"Well, she looks a lot like Messy ..." he prevaricated.

"I know," I replied. "In fact, if Messy had a baby, it would likely bear a remarkable resemblance to the Nood."

"Perhaps ...." he hedged, then continued, "actually, it appears that you put a collar and i-d tag on a hairball Messy coughed up, and now its taken on a life of its own."


So it's back to life as usual now that my illness has passed. It looks like I didn't miss much.

But one nice thing that has happened is that all the trees on my street have bloomed. I live on the pink flower street now.

Who needs a median of palm trees? It's a virtual sea of pink outside my bedroom window.

I went to Rainbow after work. I got Terry some corncakes. I didn't anything else very exciting but I noticed when I got home I left my bulk bag of spelt in the packing area. DAMMIT!

It's all good though because I got some pizza shells. YUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMYYYYYYYY!!

And I got a packet of my favorite french butter. numdillicious!! I had to forgo the 24 dollar a pound super fancy lunar butter being offered for sale ... but If I win the lottery ...that will be my butter brand of choice.

They could use some helpful staff at that store. That's all I'm saying.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Saturday, February 04, 2006

The Cure!!

Not the rock group.

I'm talking about how to get over the funky lethargy flu.

Take Nyquil. Repeat every four hours. Do not get up. Answer the door only to friends bearing juice. Cuddle your Noodle. Make cookies out of ingredients you have on hand. This may be bulgur, milk, oatmeal, sugar, raisins and vanilla. What the hell. It's delicious!!

If you have a friend who has recently had a Caesarian, (a Saladian?) ask her for any extra Vicodin she may have on hand. Call in sick three days to work. Read a confusing book about a woman who is insane. On the fourth day (Saturday, natch) you'll be WELL!!

It worked for me. Your mileage may vary.

To celebrate my new found health, I decided to wash my clothes this morning.

So I went to my new laundromat. On the way there, I noticed, for the first time in a year, the laundromat gauntlet was NOT in place in front of my old laundromat. FOILED!! How do they stay one step ahead of me? Another mystery for the ages.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Worthless and weak ...

That's how I'm feeling right about now.

Thank you my peeps for you many notes and calls!! you guys rule the planet.

I think I'm going to LIVE but I still feel like poop.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience I've caused. I KNOW you're in a bind. (grr) But what can I do? I can only sit up for ten minutes at a time before I get dizzy and need to lie down again.

I will rest and rest and then on Monday I will be ready to go!

Remember, the young lotus flower must push through huge amounts of muck before she turns her face to the sun. That's according to Rainbeau Mars. Namaste, bitches!

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo