The Realm

A Place Where Cheese Is Queen

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Location: San Francisco, CA

I'm fun.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Storm Watch

Angela manned the storm desk today.

It was hard work, what with the sprinkles and mist.

Here's a photo of us hard at work. At times, there was so much to coordinate that I was forced to assist.

In other news, Mari sent me an article about a fat farm for cats.


I've actually spent quite a bit of dinero in the past few months trying to clear up my face. I do not need it permanently damaged by a cat forced to run on a treadmill immersed in a puddle.

Messy could use it though. She is chunkier than ever. I got her some food she doesn't like very much but its no use. She's big boned AND she has a glandular problem. But damn she is happy!

You've convinced me. I will remain geeky and weird. Hooray!! (I really didn't want to stop talking about butts all the time).

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo


Sorry peeps. I advertised a glimpse of the pocket people, and failed to deliver. For some reason EVERYONE is forbidden from seeing that Teacup pic.

And I'm too lazy to reconfigure it all out ... so you'll just have to go see the sweeties for yourselves!! Or I'll post another photo once Anna sends me one.

Do you think its stupid to say to someone "see you next year!" on the last work day of the current year after they wish you a happy new year?

That's what I said to the cccg today. After I thanked him for saving me from the bad guy the other day. Angela says that was stupid.

Oh well. If he can't accept me in all my snorting, dancing, singing, ham and cheese loving, GEEKY glory ... well then!

Okay, I'll tone it down. I'll change for cccg.

From now on, you may expect only glamour and sophistication from me. No more cute animal pictures. No more gushing over pocket people. No more swearing. No more random weird noises. NO MORE BUTT TALK.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I am not suave

I try to pretend that I'm so cool ... so sophisticated.

But I just can't keep up the facade. First of all. See these guys? (the little peeps on the bottom?) They are the snuggliest babies in the entire universe. Look at those faces!! Schnerbel!

All they want is love. They love to cuddle. And their mom lets me hold them as much as I want when I go to visit. (one at a time).

It's probably not a coincidence that their big brother is quite the giggliest toddler on the planet. It's an altar to the happy over at the Duck's. It's like walking into a giant cookie.

Moving along. There's a website that I secretly peruse when I need some cheering up. Now I'm sharing it with you all.

I will post ONE (1) picture from that site to tempt you to visit. If you dare. (see kitten above)

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday week!!!

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

update: Panda cloning

Ha hah!!!

You may not realize it, but I have already begun to rule the world.

Here are some top secret pictures from my undercover teacup panda cloning facility.

My project is going even better than I had planned.

Friday, December 23, 2005


Peanut is snorting away and snoozing in my lap. She is SO SO SNUGGLY!!

I love her. Even when she's cranky.

I get to have a three day weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy holidays!!

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxo

Thursday, December 22, 2005

On crushes

Yes, I am harboring a crush.

Actually, quite a few of them. I have a torch burning for John Stamos, who for some reason I think is unbearably cute. He's geographically undesirable and a movie star, so I'm going to wait for my next life on that one. Meantime, I've got my eye on this dude who visits Marlin's coffee cart every morning. I've mentioned him before. Today ... I made my "move." HAH HAH!! If only I'd checked with Astrology dot com first!! Oh well.

Actually, my hand was forced by a creepy guy who drove up to the sidewalk while I was walking down the street on my way to the coffee cart. He said something quite unsavory to me and I made the appropriate, if not quite lady like, response. At that moment, coffee cart crush guy zooms past on his scooter. I'm thinking, great. He just heard me yelling like a fishwife. Oh well. Safety first! And perhaps my yelling wasn't such a turnoff, because did it scare creepy guy away? Hell no. He continued to follow me, then parked and got out when I got to the coffee cart. Luckily, Marlin was right there, wielding a hot espresso machine part. Anyway, creepy guy continues to stare and (ugh) LICK HIS LIPS (ergh). Then he asked me if I knit my sweater and hat myself. No, fetish boy!! Then c.c.c.g. walks up and says hey. I waste no time asking him to walk me back to work. I'm no fool! When life gives you lemons, seize the day! and the c.c.c.g.!
Anyway, the walk itself was anticlimactic. I have hope, but he basically asked me how much it cost to advertize one's wares on the radio. I'll keep working on it. Ham and cheese.

On a hopeful note, he was concerned enough for my welfare that he left the coffee cart without buying his daily banana. It MUST be love!!!!!!!

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxo

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Peace on Earth

Another plate full of butt hole cookies has shown up! What the hell?

I tasted one today out of sheer hungry desperation and I have to say, they are pretty good.

Anyway. Last night there was a detente of sorts at my house. I slept in the middle of the bed with Messy purring away on one side and Peanut snorting and snoring on the other. It was super snuggly! I didn't get much sleep because they are both very loud but that is okay.

I am busy thinking up my New Year's resolutions!!

Here's what I have so far:

1. Take coats to dry cleaners
2. Rearrange furniture

Happy Solstice! After two seasons of frugality I am now entering the Winter of Pleasure.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxo

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

holiday high-jinks

First of all, thank goodness Jelly is back at the desk! I've been slogging along without her for three weeks. Nothing against the peeps filling in. I love them too! But the universe is once again operating normally and all is right with my world.

Anyway. Jelly came back just in time because our other co-worker made some very disturbing peppermint sugar cookies.

They look normal at first glance .... but in actuality, are anatomically correct in a most unappetizing way.

And if had to be the only one snickering about these cookies it would have been lonely indeed.

Also. Why I am the person least indulgent of nasty talk, yet ALWAYS the one who gets caught and scolded for saying things that are not lady-like? Gah!

Usually I'm just repeating in bafflement the gross things the people around me are saying.

I will admit, though, I was the first to say out loud that these cookies look like they have functional buttholes.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Monday, December 19, 2005

Stormy Weather

It thundered and lightninged on Sunday morning! Luckily, I had watched "Sound of Music" on T-V the night before. I knew just what to do when Messy got scared.

"Vodkas and sodas
in chilly pint glasses
dresses and purses and
shoes and sunglasses ...
Tasty young fellows and
cell phones that ring ...

these are a few of our favorite things!!"

Feather down blankets and
cookies with frosting ...
comfy wide couches and
T-Vs with "Lost" on ...
Pizza and kittens and
pandas that sing ...

These are a few of our favorite things!!

When the cat bites
When the fleas sting
When we're feeling sad ....

We simply remember our favorite things ... and then ... we don't feel ... so BAD!!"

So we were okay. I like storms, it's just that Messy is kind of a scaredy cat.

I am reading the coolest book. It is called Talisman and it is teaching me all about the secret society that actually rules the world!! YES!! I can't wait to take over.

I will step up Panda cloning and see that every person gets their own baby Panda. These will be Teacup Pandas so peeps don't have to have giant Pandas living in their studio apartments.

If you want a giant Panda and have room you can have one of those.

Also, these Pandas will eat people food and know how to use a bathroom so it'll be like having a furry roommate as opposed to some big smelly pet.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxo

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Secret Assholes

I tried to get the newsroom to play the "Secret Pumpkin Asshole" game on Halloween. It would be like a secret Santa gift exchange, except you'd secretly play little tricks (nothing too MEAN) on whichever co-worker you picked. Cooler heads prevailed and my idea was not used.

So of course, I tried to suggest it again, now that it is Xmas. Except it would be "Secret Asshole Santa." My idea was poo-pooed (heh) again, this time even harder ... because of course, as you all know, this is the time of year for peace and love and universal brotherhood.

So we are playing NORMAL secret Santa in ye olde newsroom ... and BOY is it fun!! Until today! When the gift I gave my secret recipient got stolen from her desk.


Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Monday, December 12, 2005

Coolest slippers ever!!

Hello peeps. Sorry I've been such a slacker lately.

Actually, I have good reason. I stayed home on Friday morning and was talking to Pickle on the phone when I spilled an entire cup of coffee on my keyboard!! oop. So I haven't been able to post anything here at the Realm because I totally wrecked it.

Not to worry because my co-workers klurfy and spam are going to give me their extra one.


Anyway. I did a lot of things this weekend. I went shopping on Friday after I messed up my keyboard. Then I met Salad for lunch. Then I met him for drinks after work. (his work.) That was an accident because I was actually on my way home when we ran into each other again.

On Saturday I went on a hike with Tihanna and her cousin Tanya's women's hiking group. I found out I'm not much a hiker but not until eight miles had gone by.

Then I went to a fashion show at the House of Shields which was SOOPER DOOPER fun!! I got a dress and Nadia modeled an outfit. She looked really pretty.

Would you like to take an unofficial poll? Salad says he is going to name his first born son "Theory." I maintain that is the stupidest name in the world and that if he continues to insist on that, then god will never send him a wife for him to beget said son. Because no god is that cruel.

So the poll is: Is Theory a good name? (no.)

I am making a pretty dress to wear to the holiday party last night.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The Cheese is Here!

Oh Happy day!!!

My cheese finally arrived! He/she/it is so cute.

In other news ... actually I have none. Except Mari bid on this cool prize at the SFBC Winterfest live auction and won! And she's sharing it with me, because that's the kind of girl our Mari is.

The prize: a tour of Timbuk2 the bag maker and the chance to design our own messenger bags!! I hope they have smiley and flower patches. We'll be the coolest things on two wheels.

I got to see the Teacup people yesterday. It doesn't seem possible ... but they are EVEN cuter now!! Anna and Don brought them home. They were wearing gnome outfits. Schnerbel!

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Good Times

Here are three nice things that happened over the last 24 hours:

A. The arrival of the Teacup People and our subsequent meeting.

They are so CUTE!! I got to hold both of them. I love me a mini-peep! Anna is doing good too. Dane looks like his big brother so you know he's adorable and Lucia is the daintiest little girly girl ever. (I may be projecting but she really is a sweetie.) They are still too little to play with but they are already really good at snuggling.

B. I have a nice landlord.

I got home from work yesterday to find the guy who fixed my windows when I moved in earlier this year building a canopy for my bikes in the courtyard. He said he wanted to hurry up and get done before it started raining. Now my bikes are cozy and dry. A far cry from incidents I had been subjected to in the past ... such as having my ex-landlord pound on my door and demand that I remove all the garbage I'd thrown away from the communal garbage cans. Because, according to her googly-eyed calculations, I had thrown away more than my quota that week. Stupid land-crotch.

C. The coffee cart crush guy talked to me today!!

oh BOY! my heart went pitter-patter. He is so cute. In a non-teacup sized way, of course.

Meantime, an auxiliary happy item: My OTHER coffee cart friend and I (the massive republican) are friends again. It is possible to agree to disagree and actually like someone who is on the opposite side of the fence. Lesson learned. There's no arguing that creative denial and compartmentalization are vital life skills.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo