The Realm

A Place Where Cheese Is Queen

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Location: San Francisco, CA

I'm fun.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

In the Doghouse

I got in BIG trouble today.

It happened at the Starbucks.

As you may recall, my Starbucks opens its doors for business at 5:30 A-M. I'm often the first customer of the day.

Usually when I get there, the staff is still putting pastries on their trays, warming up the espresso machine and basically getting ready for the morning rush.

That means they are kinda slow when it comes to serving me. That's okay, I'm on DEADLINE but whatever.

Today I had a giant order to fill ... it seems every single co-worker wanted someTHING.

So when I saw that the donut/croissanty thing one coworker wanted me to bring him was on a tray of pastries sitting on a table rather that in the display case, I picked one up and brought it to the counter.

That's when I got BUSTED.

"Don't EVER do that again!" the Barista said sternly in an angry tone. "NOW I'm supposed to throw the whole tray away!"

Let me interject here that if the items were stocked in a timely manner this wouldn't have happened.

Again, is it too much to ask that a business be ready to serve customers at the time its sign states it will be open?

If the Starbucks down the street in the opposite direction (a direction, alas, too dark and scary for me to face at 5:28 A-M) can open at 5 A-M ... with pastries and such in their proper places ... then ... what the hell??

So he DIDN'T throw away the tray of pastries. When I apologized, he said "well, that's okay, it's just that if ... you know, someone snapped a picture of what you were doing, we'd have been SCREWED."

Those sneaky Starbucks paparazzi!!

It was especially embarassing because he yelled at me in front of this WHOLE pack of hot construction workers.

Then I said, I'm really sorry ... I didn't know, but I understand your concern ... I used to work at McDonald's, I know about corporate rules, etc.

Ooops. Don't EVER say anything to imply that working the counter at McDonald's is anything like being employed as a Barista at Starbucks. Just .... Don't.


In other cheese ...

I made good use of my free time today at work and made a little necklace. I didn't have the appropriate tool to pinch the little holder shut, but the engineering department did!

It is made out of freshwater pearl beads colored light blue. It is SO PRETTY!!

Carlos Muffin likes to attack himself in my full length mirror. Why is he so silly? He was making so much noise with that this morning that I had to take my mirror off the door where it hangs.

It turns out the lady who had such great sex a couple of weeks ago is now getting a divorce.

She says it is because her husband of many years "doesn't like to dance."

Oh! the INTRIGUE! WHAT could it MEAN?

xoxo love and kisses xoxoxo

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Ber scherbles. For REALS

Senor Muffin thinks he rules the house.

His throne is my computer monitor.

Someday I'm going to get a laptop, then what will he do??

Wouldn't you like to give him a hug?

I saw Babel last night. Guess what. I did NOT like it. I hate watching people get beat up, for one. Also. I will concede, the film sends a valuable message but fucking A I was bored out of my mind.

Now that I've outed myself as a lowbrow idiot, I can say proudly ... standing hand in hand with my fellow dumbasses:


Moving along.

I have startling news to report. I have suspended violin lessons. There are two reasons. One has to do with economics, the other with stress. Don't those two often go together? Like Peanut Butter and Jelly, only not so good on a sandwich.

Someday I willl resume my lessons and eventually I will conquer the world. But for now, my plans for global domination by way of dooty dooty doot doo songs are on hold.

Less than two weeks before Lost is on again. HOOOOOOOOOOORAY! And then, coming up in a month, ANTM returns for yet another season.

This is shaping up to be an excellent Springtime.

They are both shown on Wednesday evenings, so I will once again be able to schedule my little weekly nugget and ice cream parties attended by one human and two cats. OH MY GOD it is going to be so great!!!

xoxoxo hugs and kitty whisker kisses xoxoxo

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Return of the Dull

Okay! I'm back! Sorry about that blip. It's just that trying to come up with something to write on here about was making my eyes glaze over.

And I felt like if I didn't say anything about taking a break, my biggest fans (i.e. the D-N-A replicators a.k.a the 'rents) would get worried that I was sick or depressed.

So. Here I am again, ready to go.

Here's something completely idiotic that happened at work last week. A woman who works here on an outpatient basis was in the newsroom on Friday. She'd had the best sex EVER on Thursday night.

You might wonder how in the world I know that. I will tell you. It's because she came over to my desk, leaned over and staged whispered that fact into my ear.

Now, if you know me at all, you'd know that I'm somewhat prim. Proper even. or, what the hell. I am a borderline PRUDE. I mean, I can make crude jokes and talk like a sailor, but really. I am NOT the person you want to talk to about your real life sexcapades. I don't like it at all. My friends know this, and are always kind about sparing me the down and dirty details.

And just telling me about how MAJESTIC her little interlude was was not enough.

I also had to hear about how much I have to look forward to because "sex is SO MUCH BETTER when you are middle aged, honey!"

That's when she stopped with the stage whispering and started yelling.

Apparently, I'm missing out on a giant trend, which is, to wit, middle aged women having great sex.

Boy, I better get on that one while its hot!

To cap it off, she high fived me. WAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I almost started to cry because I was so horrified. But it was kind of funny as well.


Anyways. This weekend I went to Jelly's! I got lost walking from the BART station to her house. oops. I eventually found my way with her help. A friendly mail-man also came to my aid. So it was all good. I drank a beer as soon as I arrived and that made it even better! I also asked Jelly how the sex with her husband was the night before.

No. Just kidding. I didn't really.

Then, Terry, Laura and Rebecca came over!! Laura babysat Luke (the cutest little nine month old in the world!) while the rest of went to a Mexican restaurant and celebrated Terry's ten years of liberation from her marriage gone wrong. Go Terry!

THEN we all went to Target. Terry got a drying rack. I got cute socks with kissing frogs, striped tights, and a metallic pink pet carrier for Noodle. Jelly has a sharpie fetish and I think got some new pens. Re got some chalk.

On Sunday, I cleaned up my whole mini-house and even mopped the floors. Hooray! It is so fresh and nice. Then Mari came over and we went to Pops and got a beer. I love Pops because they let you bring dogs in. There were TWO big, cute pitbull type doggies hanging out. We got to pet them.

Mari pulled something really special out of her little pack for me when she got to my house.

It was THREE biscuits and some chicken nuggety things from Popeye's! Mari rules.

After work today, I am going to Anna's. We are going to go running with the twins. We have a new pact to run every Tuesday and Thursday. We do it at her house because she lives on the beach. There's also this wildland area nearby where lots of little animals live. In the springtime, there are BABY BUNNIES scampering about, as well as baby marine birds floating on ponds.

The twins can't walk yet more than a few steps, so they'll actually be in the stroller during our run. They'll be having more fun than us, I bet.

I think that when I get my little yellow flower covered cottage and cute animal farm, I want it to be located near an ocean so that wayward sea lions will feel free to come over.

xoxoxo love and slobbery ocean creature kisses x0x0x0

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


I WISH I HAD CHEESE!! I am the most boring person in the world. SORRY.

I am going to stop posting to this blog until something exciting happens. Because this is painfully dull to write. I can only imagine how it feels to read it.

So don't worry that I'm not updating this page; I am not sick or droody, just boring as all hell.

xoxoxoxoxoxo love and kisses!!! xoxoxoxoxo

Monday, January 15, 2007

Thanks Universe!

Giving credit where credit is due, I must thank the Universe!!

Remember the other day, I posted a list of items I had hoped the Universe would speed my way?

Well, I am already closer to achieving the goal of iPod-ownerism and userism!! It's all thanks to a timely meeting this weekend with my cousin Betty and her family. Her husband works for a company that provides products compatible with Apple tools and he says he will hook me up with everything I need to turn my iPod, when I get it, into a car stereo as well as with other bonus items.

So if there are things you need in your life, I highly recommend getting the Universe involved.

The end.

This stupid cold weather needs to STOP. It is hurting my lips.

Happy M-L-K day! Today is the day we reflect on brotherly love, peace and equality. We do that by focusing on the life, words, actions and the unfortunate murder of one man who had a vision of those things being achievable and in fact saw that those things MUST be achieved if we hope to grow as a nation of human beings.

I hope every year we can come another step closer to realizing full equality for everyone.

That's all I've got today!

x0x0x0 peace and kisses plus cuddles xoxoxoxo


Here's an MLK related story. Today, a co-worker arrived at work in a mood that can only be described as deeply disturbed. It seems he was pulled over by a cop in a Union City McDonald's parking lot yesterday, where he had gone with his grandson to get a Happy Meal. The cop refused to see his insurance and registration, saying he only needed to see his license. (what?) Cop then tells co-worker that he ostensibly pulled my co-worker over for not having a front license plate on his fancy Mercedes, but in fact REALLY pulled him over because he was "wearing a [Raiders] beanie."

To review: My co-worker is a Black man. He was wearing a knit beanie cap. Therefore, he was pulled over.

This is what is known as racial profiling. This is one of the things Dr. MLK wanted to see STOP happening.

I say this is related to MLK because this all happened on the eve of the day we honor the slain civil rights worker ... and man, I bet he would have been proud to see all the advancements that have been made since his death. Not.


Friday, January 12, 2007

Best Horoscope EVER

Here's one to record for posterity:

As much as you enjoy being out and about with people, tonight will be a good evening for rest and relaxation, DIANA. If you can, try taking the afternoon off: curl up in your favorite chair with a good book, take a slow walk through a garden or putter about in the kitchen cooking up something fabulous. You need some time to refuel your soul, DIANA. You will be able to tackle your projects tomorrow, relaxed and rejuvenated.

Hello!! I am so excited.

I love it when I'm licensed by the stars to fuck around.

xoxoxo universal kisses! xoxoxo

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Most Wanted

Here is what I want.

A baby pot-belly pig

An iPod nano with the appropriate cables to hook it up to my car "stereo"

A really neat and fun guy for dating and love purposes

A pair of dun colored motorcyle boots

Inner peace

I am putting these out there so the Universe can get to work.

xoxoxo Thanks Universe!! :o)!! xoxoxo

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Inside information

Is it called a meme because it is all about me, me??

I am not sure if that's the deal ... but ... whatever. I swiped this from the Sunshine Girl. Here goes:

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

"Hi Cutie!" (I actually said it out loud because Carlos M.accompanied me to the powder room and so was also pictured in the mirror)

2. How much cash do you have on you?

None. I forgot my wallet and had to pay for coffee with cash from the pizza fund plus a loan from a colleague.

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR?

Gore. As in Al or as in grossness. Your option. (random)

4. Favorite planet?

Mercury! so swift.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

I'm guessing it's "No Number."

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?

I have only one, so by default, it is my favorite. It sounds like a ringing phone.

7. What shirt are you wearing?

A gray tank top with silver stripes topped by a green sweater.

8. Do you label yourself?

Yes. I am a lover, not a fighter.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing:

They are Steve Madden boots actually.

10. Bright or Dark Room?

Dark, like my inner world.

11. Why is there always a missing question?


12. What does your watch look like?

I don't wear one.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Tossing and turning, listening to Noodle's delicate little snorfs and snortles.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?

Do you want me to bring you some biscuits?

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?

Good Question. My corner bodega, however, is on the corner.

16. What's a word that you say a lot?

Ber Schnerbles. It means "oooooooh that's so cute!!"

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?

In English: The Mom-lady. In purrese: Carlos M. (Noodle's still pissed about the eyedrops, so no love from her)

18. Last furry thing you touched? Mr. Carlos Muffin. He was very needy this morning.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

Tylenol PM and super happy drug the VIDGE.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?


21. Favorite age you have been so far?

31 was nice.

22. Your worst enemy?

I don't think I have one. If I do, I don't want to know about it.

23. What is your current desktop picture?

A cute little bunny

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?

To my friend/co-worker: "How did I get to be your bitch?"

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be?

I would definitely choose the ability to fly.

26. Do you like someone?

I like people.

27. The last song you listened to?

Shake That by Eminem with Nate Dogg

28. What time of day were you born?

2:20 AM

29. What's your favorite number?


30. Where did you live in 1987?

Eugene, Oregon. In a cute little old fashioned pad with the BEST EVER walk in closet devised by man.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?

Juliette Binoche because, as part of her job, she got to make out with Johnny Depp, Naveen Andrews (HUBBA HUBBA) AND Olivier Martinez.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?

I doubt it. I don't get to make out with top hotties on a routine basis.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

At work. UGH.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?


35. Do you consider yourself kind?

I am a super sweetie and I like to help people and animals.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?

On my hip to cover up this indistinguishable blob that used to be a flower.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?

I already speak the language of love.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?

Yes. If it involved moving to Paris.

39. Are you touchy-feely?


40. What's your life motto?

This above all; To thine own self be true.

41. Name three things you have on you at all times:

My wits, my charm and a light.

42. What's your favorite town/city?

Paris, then Edinburgh. Oh golly, okay San Francisco. New York is pretty rocking as well. And I do have a soft spot for Eugene.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

Coffee. With pizza fund and Frni - money (see above)

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?

I don't KNOW! pathetic.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?

I know where the nearest Oil Can Henry's is!

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?

That he's happily married, child free and has just completed his third novel.
Dammit! what was I thinking when I kicked him to the curb?

47. How far back do you know your ancestry?

I qualify for the Mayflower Society. But I do not belong.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?

I have lots of fancy clothes and no where to wear them.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?

My brain from these stupid questions

50. Have you ever been burned by love?


51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers?


52. Where would you like to live?

In Johnny Depp's house.

That's it.

I wish my answers were more exciting.


xoxoxo!! lovepluskisses x0x0x0

Monday, January 08, 2007

I'm well!!

Hooray! I've recovered from the dizzy flu. That one sucked. oogh. I couldn't walk without getting mass vertigo. Forget driving. Which is a good idea if you're high on Nyquil for five straight days anyway.

So being all nice and tucked up in bed with nothing to eat but a half dozen Popeye biscuits (thanks Mari!) plus some frozen taquitos is not all that unpleasant. I also had my favorite sick peeple food: Two packages of Stouffer's French Bread Pizza. Cheese flavored. (natch). Here's what's good. Before putting one of the slabs in the oven, you slather the edges all over with copious amounts of butter. It is tasty invalid gruel.

So I was all better by Saturday morning! Just in time to party down with Lolita on Saturday night.

I used to be a professional partyer. Not so much anymore. How DUMB can you be to go into the wrong club? Yes. That is what happened. Still. In my defense, I was a few cocktails in when it happened and they ARE (the wrong club and the right club) right next door to each other.

That's what happens when you pick your destination because the bouncer has dimples.

But when you have someone fun as your company, the wrong nightclub isn't a catastrophe. And it wasn't as bad as equally out of practice Lola's mistake of making plans for us to attend a show in San Francisco. As it turns out, the show was in OAKLAND.

so: let's add up the score here.

Diana: Wrong nightclub
Lolita: Wrong city

Indeed, I'm still winning. After we cleared up the city confusion, but before we plunged into the world of crappy nightclubs, your intrepid duo decided we needed a drink. So we ducked into this storefront bar on Folsom Street.

Suddenly, we were in another world. MeatLoaf's classic "Paradise By the Dashboard Light" wailed from the jukebox.

The overly cheerful yet defiantly goth bartender took our orders and fixed our drinks with way too much enthusiasm.

We took a seat in the dank and smoky back area ... where all was lit with red light.

Then, we noticed every other customer was there by himself. And they all seemed to be taking turns going out this doorway leading to a closed alley between the building housing this dive and the next building over.

My theory is they had some sort of torture chamber set up out there. I did not check my theory, however.

They're having a party there next Saturday. We got the flyer. It's free. Who's with me?

So the good thing is, I got out and mixed and mingled!! hooray for me!

And when we FINALLY got to the right club, the friendly D-J was more than happy to put my favorite song on ... yes. STAND AND DELIVER!!

xoxoxo kisses from your party mistress xoxoxo

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Circus Act

This photo would appear on our flyer.

Hello 2007!

It's a sickly new year :o(.

I have been ILLING since Saturday. Which means yours truly had to stay at home Sunday night.

It's OKAY because far be it from me to step out the house on Amateur Night. Still. I'd like the option to do so!

I am so dizzy I can't even see straight. It doesn't help that I wore my cirque du Soleil skirt and so have been juggling kiwi fruits and spinning around like a whirling dervish because that's what you DO when you're wearing a human circus costume. Even in a newsroom. That's what's Required.

So do you think Carlos and I should join the circus? He's really good at riding around on humans and doing tricks.

I will post a photo of him doing just that this week. I had a mini photo shoot at my house, following a rum soaked LUNCHEON with the girls Saturday.

That's when I started feeling sick, by the way. Oogles. You'd think rum and fresh limes would be good for someone with a cold. MAN! Isn't that what doctors prescribe to sailors in order to prevent scurvy?

I don't think I have scurvy. Hooray! Maybe I should go have some more mojitos, just in case.

xoxoxo kisses (but not on the lips, i am SICK) xoxoxo