The Realm

A Place Where Cheese Is Queen

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Location: San Francisco, CA

I'm fun.

Friday, October 28, 2005

A big lesson

I learned one today.

Never assume, just because you are in the Bay Area, that the young man you chat with every day at the coffee cart shares your views.


I used to have kind of a crush on this guy. He's polite, attractive and has a beautiful voice. Then I noticed he was wearing a wedding band ... which, of course, means he's off-limits for my impure thoughts. Still though, doesn't change the fact he's a pleasant chap all around.

Mostly all around, I should say. Today ... I found out that he's a massive ... republican.

So before you open your big mouth to tell someone how happy you are about the coming indictment of Scooter Libby ... and how disappointed you are that it's not Karl or Dick taking one for the team ... you might want to make sure the person you're talking to won't take offense. That is, if you're like me, and hate confrontation.

In other news, it turns out I'm a major trendsetter. Forget carrot sticks. Yesterday's Contra Costa Times reported THE hot healthy snack is ready-to-eat green beans. (complete with a little graphic of smiling green beans in a Radio City Music Hall style kick line)

Six weeks ago, I was offering the very same pre-washed beanage to the masses here.

True to my title, I've moved on. Today's I'm having sweet peas from a bag. Dee-LICIOUS!!

But I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


Yes indeed. Reading IS fun.

I was a happy little camper this past Monday when I checked my horoscope and found this nugget of advice: "Today is a day you won't want to talk to anyone. Stay inside and read a book."

I already had the day off , and I am not one to tempt fate. So I kept my jammies on all day and read this book. It was SO Good!! (buy it!! Popco, by Scarlett Thomas)

I highly recommend it. Intriguing from the first page to last.

Lost isn't on tonight. My whole routine is disrupted. Actually, the theme of the book I'm pimping here is "routine kills creative thought." Hmm. Perhaps I need to rethink my rituals.

So I'm going to be Mother Nature for Halloween. For the third time. How has all this routine crept into my life?

Still, it's three times over five years. Last time I dressed up (in 2003) I was the Goddess Diana. (fitting, no?) And besides! I HATE Halloween! You bitches are lucky I'm going to dress up as anything!!

I keep hearing bad things about John Stamos. It's depressing.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

It works!

Remember when you were in high school, and you'd end up with huge hickeys on your neck after Saturday night at Cinema 5, Dan Hansen's big party, or the equivalent?

BOY, I do.

You'd have to tell everyone, including your mom, you burned yourself on the neck with your curling iron. (I don't know what Kevin did) And of course, no one would believe you. Not even your mom.

Girls, take note: As it turns out, it WAS a good excuse. I had a little accident with my curling iron on Saturday and now I look like I was making out in the backseat of a Chevy Nova all weekend with some horny 17 year old.

I am back at work after a three day weekend. We have a celebrity guest down the hall, so it's quite exciting.

I also have been presented with a new desk pet! It is a rat, and a gift from my fellow rat phobic friend Jelly.

Thanks Jelly! I am not sure what to name him. Fat Shady? He's kind of chubby.

Good news from Anna! the twins are still cooking normally after a scare involving contractions this weekend. Thank GOD. Please continue to send white light to our beautiful Anna and her little sweeties.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Friday, October 21, 2005

A Sad Day ....

It is a day of goodbyes.

Today is my work friend Caesar Salad's last day at the "ranch."

After 12 years he's finally crunched his last crouton here! Good one Salad. He's moving on to a better job with better pay. Hooray! Salad!

The sad part is that now he won't be able to keep me company on my late morning break.

In addition, the little blue french cheese icon thing that represents me has been removed from its URL. So it's no longer visible! I think I may have finessed a way to re-post it.

But I will experiment on my home computer because as you know, I come to work to WORK.

With Salad's departure, I inherited a treasure trove of fun office supplies. I got a little olive bowl I'd been coveting for years, two clippy magnets, a super cool paper clip holder, a pencil sharpener shaped like a rocket ship, a rubber duck wearing a straw hat and a straw hat designed for humans that looks just like the duck's!

My friend Joe took a photo of me and the duck wearing our matching hats. I'll post it here if he emails it to me. I asked him to send it to me and he said: why, do you want to put it on your profile??

Hah! That would be funny. I wonder if I'd hear from lonely duck lovers. I actually don't have a profile, but if I look hot in my straw hat and holding my be-straw-hatted duck, I may have to get one.

I've been seeing this commercial advertising this vapid looking new sitcom that I think is on tonight. I can't remember what it's called but it seems to be about online dating. In the commercial, one character says something like "Hey, I believe in falling in love the old fashioned way ... in a bar, late at night, when you've had too much to drink."

My first reaction was: Yeah! I feel the same way!

How embarassing. Oh well.

Ah yes: Friday, with Monday off. Mentally, I'm on a giant pillow shaped like the pillsbury dough boy, my second favorite commercial character after the zoloft egg.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The truth hurts

I got a funny phone call last night.

This guy I know who is more of a friendly acquaintance than an actual friend rang up to ask me a question.

He wanted to know if I was the girl on a bike who waved and shouted "hi" at him on Howard Street a few weeks ago.

I had to answer in the affirmative, because, the truth is, it WAS me.

I didn't want to admit it because I have long suspected I look like kind of a dork when I'm riding my bike. I have this giant helmet, a scarf around my neck, Nicole Richie-esque sunglasses and a big puffy white coat. These are all safety features and not meant to be stylish.

My friend said he didn't recognize me and it took him awhile to realize it was my voice he had heard.

Then he confirmed my fear of appearing geekish by telling me the spectacle I presented looked like something out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

I had to get off the phone because Lost was starting.

But from now on, if I see someone I know while decked out like the female version of Dick Van Dyke, I will put my head down and keep going.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

A Bittersweet Event

The morning team has been nominated for a prestigious award from a certain organization again this year.

It's always exciting, whether we win or not.

I am part of the morning team, and this year I ACTUALLY GOT INVITED TO THE AWARDS CEREMONY!

This is a first. Normally, I'm the team member who is left OFF the guest list. I always kind of feel like that kid who plays Walt on Lost who didn't get to go to the Emmy's.

So I'm totally happy that I'm finally included. But I'm sad it took this long (five years) for TPTB to recognize I'm not just another lump behind a computer taking up space.

Oh well. Better late than never. And since we're up against our biggest competitors, I'm packing a trident, in case there's some sort of Ron Burgundy- style rumble following the ceremony.

In other cheese, I have made an AMAZING discovery.

Did you know that there is such a thing as teacup persians?

See above. That is a full grown cat but weighs about three pounds.

Perhaps if I got this particular kitty, Messy would take to it as if it were her "mini-me".

Or maybe she'd rip it to shreds and eat the head first.

Hard to tell, really.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Tuesday, October 18, 2005


I know, I know. Frugality. Fitness. Whatever.

I am having too much FUN!!!

Everyday I tell myself I'll visit with Rodney, Denise or Rainbeau, my bevy of personal trainers. And every day, I make myself an outlandish snack and crash instead.

And let's not talk about my failures at frugality. I hate expensive jeans, but am charmed by the way they affect me psychologically within the magical cube of persuasion known as the "nordstrom dressing room."

Of course, when I get home, I realize anew that my thighs are at their best in full skirts. And I think they have special lighting in those rooms to make jeans tryer onners think they've somehow just developed fetching bums.

I went to a barbecue on Sunday. That might be part of the problem as well.

Oh well. Caramel apple pie with whipped cream is a wonderful desert. And worth a week of not wearing pants.

The bbq rocked! It was a little surprise party for Anna and Don and the cuties. They got lots of little outfits and onesies and stuff.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Thursday, October 13, 2005


Squishy food rules.

I like toffee and cookies, but generally, the squishier the sustenance, the more I like it.

So I thought I'd share some recipes from the "Squishy Eats" Cookbook.

Chunky Junk

Gather together:

1 cup chopped cauliflower
1 cup chopped broccoli
1 cup chopped onions
2 cups cooked rice
1/2 cup grated cheddar
1/2 cup sour cream

(wine: bordeaux)

Steam the vegetables. Stir them up with the rice, sour cream and cheese. Put it in a baking pan you have already greased up. Bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees.
DELICIOUS! serve on its own or with a slice of your favorite meat.

Breakfast Combo That Looks Like Barf But Is Actually Good

gather together:

1/2 cup greek style yogurt
1 cup cooked oatmeal, hot OR cold
1/4 cup dried cherries
sugar if you want

(wine: none, unless you're eating this for dinner. In that case: bordeaux)

Stir up ingredients and enjoy.

Blobby Nuggets


1 bag raw pizza dough from Trader Joe's
grated cheese
assorted meats and vegetables that you like

(wine: bordeaux)

Separate dough into four balls. Roll them flat. Spread with pesto. Put some cheese and whatever else on top. Fold the dough over and pinch the moon shaped pie shut. Bake at 375 degrees for about 15 -20 minutes. Don't forget to grease the pan.

TASTY smoothie

You need:
1 cup ice ice cubes
1/2 cup yogurt
1/2 cup frozen fruit (strawberries, mm)
1/2 cup milk
2 tsb. vanilla protein powder

(wine: none, probably)

put ice, fruit and milk in blender and blend. Put in the yogurt and protein powder. More blending. Pour into glass.

Bouncy Cake


Angela's pudding cake (sorry, you'll have to get that recipe from Jelly)
Vanilla Frosting. Whipped in a can.

(wine: pinot noir)

Cut hunks of cake. Spread generously with frosting.



vanilla ice cream
whipped vanilla frosting
Hot fudge sauce (if you can get some of Dick's favorite, that's the best)
whipped cream
Heath bar, crushed into bits

(wine: merlot)

Scoop ice cream into a bowl. Top with hot fudge. Then frosting, then whipped cream. Sprinkle the heath bar on top.

Fruit Squishy


2 bags frozen blackberries (or fresh peaches or apples)
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 cup oatmeal
1/2 cup walnuts
1/2 cup butter (use more if you want)
1/2 tsp salt

(wine: merlot)

Simmer blackberries and granulated sugar together until sugar is dissolved. Take off the heat, and put in a greased square baking pan. Mix the rest of the ingredients together and put on top of berries. Bake at 350 degrees for 40-45 minutes until the top is kind of crispy. Serve with vanilla ice cream or whip cream. YUM. In a pinch, you can use canned vanilla frosting.

The World's BEST Mashed Potatoes


3 of those really big potatoes
1/2 cup cream cheese
1/2 cup sour cream
1/3 cup butter + two tbsp.
2 tsp dried parsley

(wine: bordeaux)

Cut up potatoes and boil them. Mash them up with the cream cheese, the sour cream and the 1/3 cup butter. Put it all in a greased baking pan. Cut up the rest of the butter into tidbits and scatter it across the top. Then spread the parsley over that. Cover with foil and bake for 35 minutes at 350 degrees. Take off foil and cook for about 10 more minutes. Get a big bowl and eat some with more butter. May also be served with a slice of meat.

Hope you like them!!

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I love cheese!

Just F.Y.I.

Sparkle Shoes and Danger Pants

A lethal combination, to say the least.

Every time I wear my danger pants, which are dark gray with a pink pinstripe, I wear my sparkly pink pumps as well.

My danger pants are so named because they are too long for me and have a low cuff, which tends to catch my sparkle heel.

I've gone down several times, usually when rushing a vital piece of news into the studio.

It's pretty embarassing. But, you know what they say. When you fall, you gotta get back on that horse. Or back into your danger pants. Whatever works.

Last night I was the youngest person at the Oakland Arena. Strangely, I knew all the words to every song being played by the "rock" group known as the Eagles. Actually, it was a good show. They tantalized the crowd with such hits as "Witchy Woman" and "Life in the Fast Lane." And, as this is the "California" tour, they ended the show with the perennial crowd pleaser "Hotel California." I have to admit, that song is in my top five. The lyrics are very revealing. ROCK!!

The best part of the night involved a plate of onion rings and a bowl of ranch after the show at the Merritt Restaurant and Bakery. Also, I got to meet the CUTEST little sweetest kitten in the whole world. Her name is Sheba and her new best friend is my friend Dean. She weighs about as much as a quarter pounder (four oz.). When I picked her up she crawled up my sleeve and fell asleep on my shoulder.

I think I want a baby kitty. I want a kitty AND a puppy. Oh no.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


I know I've spoken of my love for this Internet service before.

So far, Craig has helped me meet one of my favorite people, as well as indirectly leading me to a bunch of new friends courtesy of said peep.

I found my current apartment with Craig as well as a person to take my old futon away. AND I met this guy Johnny awhile ago thanks to Craig's pimping. Okay, fine, he turned out to be a geek, but damn. He was HOT. I know Pickle will concur, at least.


Today I found out that the mc section isn't fake!

I had always kind of thought there was this kind of think tank, if you will, at the Craig lair, pumping out "rants and raves" and "missed connection" ads for the amusement of bored worker bees across the city.

But no. You can post a missed connection ad in that section if you like. I did just that yesterday, after the English Beat show at the Red Devil Lounge I decided to attend at the last possible minute on Sunday.

At the show (which ROCKED) there was this guy standing right there beside me. He was full of joy. He not only pogoed like a champ, he helped keep slamdancers away. We didn't exchange much more than a couple of words, but the fun factor was certainly increased thanks to his presence.

I posted as much on Craig's list, and lo and behold, he posted one back! Just to say he had a great time as well.

It's a whole new way to be a dork. I always welcome these opportunities.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Sunday, October 09, 2005


I hope I get over my sore throat someday.

Although I must admit, this is a very user friendly sickness.

It only hurts at night and in the morning.

It gives me an excuse to take Nyquil.

Everybody and their dog is sick with this thing. The guy at Pearl's yesterday said he had the same symptoms. I advised generous doses of the good stuff.

I hope I didn't spread my germs across Chuck E. Cheese. I only coughed a couple of times at the salad bar.

Did you know Chuck E. Cheese is a giant rat? I was able to examine him up close and personal and yes, he is vermin. Why is he selling food?

Another question that has no answer. The world is full of them.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The four day weekend

It is the most awesome invention of all time.

I wish I could post a picture of Messy. She looks like a loaf with tiny legs sticking out and two giant eyes.

Once you reach a certain age, you have the freedom to let yourself go. Messy has achieved this.

However, she's quite diligent at washing her face.

Today is a most lovely day. I am going on a diplomatic mission to another place where cheese rules.

Yes. I am attending a six year old's birthday party at CHUCK E. CHEESE.

I am up early so I can ride my bike to Pearl's and get the birthday girl a prezzie. If you don't know Sonya, you are missing out. She is the funniest little person ever. One day when she was about two I put her on a merry go round in the park and pushed her around on it for about a half hour. I felt like barfing afterwards but while we were playing we couldn't stop giggling like a couple of maniacs.

We truly looked insane.

Or she looked like a cute little two year old enjoying her day at the park with an unhinged caretaker.

I wish all you two day weekend peeps a beautiful Saturday!

until later, love and kisses xoxoxoxoxo

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Dick and Sally are Psychic

Dick and Sally, of course, are the 'rents.

When I was still a fetus they were discussing what to name me. Apparently, the front runners were Jennifer and Sharon.

I am neither a Jennifer, nor a Sharon, though I wouldn't have minded either of those names.

But then they went to see Fantasia and changed their minds. Apparently the Goddess Artemis is featured in that movie. I don't remember that part. But they saw it just days before I made my happy little appearance and that, as well as Dick's thing for Diana Rigg ... or maybe it was Wonder Woman, anyway, they settled on Diana as my moniker ... a.k.a. Artemis, the Goddess for Whom I am named.

So I came across this description of Artemis on the Internet the other day:

Goddess Artemis (Diana), the Goddess of Animals, the Hunt, Birth and the Moon, is God Apollo's twin sister and opposite. She wants solitude and autonomy at any price. She rejects the sexual bond, despite her beauty and desirability. She teaches women that feminine separatism becomes the only way of escaping male domination over women. Goddess Artemis and her fierce independence preserves a woman from identification with society. A woman who worships Goddess Artemis is cured of the compulsive need to be liked and surrounded by men. She learns that solitude is an inner space that must be defended without guilt. A woman of Artemis protects herself from physical or psychological intrusion and does not easily open her arms to people. Goddess Artemis encourages a woman to submit to the powerful workings of untamed nature, especially during the pain of birth. An Artemis worshiper defends sacred interior and exterior feminine territory from abuse and from men. She celebrates her feminine powers with animals and Moon spirituality.

Some of that is quite apt ... scarily so. I love it!! How did they know what a weirdo I would turn out to be, unless they have special powers? I have never come across any secret ceremonies or unusual altars in their house or anything.

It's simply uncanny.

Anyway, I have lots of new developing fetuses in my life right now, and names are top of mind for these parents to be. Anna has found a beautiful name for her little girl twin but hasn't yet come up with something for her boy. My violin teacher has settled on Isaac for her little Libra. Jelly's baby is a mere grape at this point so everything is on the table.

So if anyone has a good boy's name to suggest shoot it over to Anna.

Just don't ask her to name him Jonny Mosely. She's tired of pimping for that stoner.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


She is back!

Okay, I know she returned last weekend ... in time for America's Next Top Model marathon, thank God ... but today, she's returned to work, and the universe is once again in its proper alignment.

Indeed, Jelly gave me the cutest card this morning ... by one Edward Monkton ... some dude in England ... who makes the funniest cards and related thingies in the world. I wonder if he likes Pandas? My card stars a potato.

My violin teacher is taking time off to have a baby. I feel like summer vacation has just begun. Hooray! That doesn't mean my left hand nails will grow ... I will continue to practice diligently.

When the big boss came in this morning, he made a straight beeline to my desk and yelled at me. But, it rolls off my back... after all ... Comfort Hippo is here!!

George W. Bush is very boring and stupid.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo

Monday, October 03, 2005

Comfort Hippo

Have you ever noticed just HOW CUTE hippotami are?

I just asked the newsroom at large WHY baby hippos are so adorable.

Todd says it is so their parents don't eat them.

I wonder if animals really reason things out like that. "hmm... i'm really hungry ... ah, here's a tender morsel ... yeah ... ummmhmmm ... oops! Dammit! I ate my baby!" And he was SO cute!"

Probably not.

Anyways. I have two hippos of my own. It would be super dooper cool if they were the size of gerbils and I had a giant terrarium/aquarium that I kept them in, then took them out every once in a while to play with and everything. But no. I DON'T have mini-hippos, because I don't think there's such a thing.

Instead, I have stuffed hippos. One lives at work and one lives at my house. The one at work is cute. He is the size of a kitten and came to me via Ole, who didn't want him for some reason. Not to worry, Comfort Hippo!! I love you!!

I loan him to co-workers when they are in need. My hungover friend borrowed him on Friday and he helped her feel better.

The one that lives at my house is bigger. Like the size of a normal house cat (not a Messy cat). He is a secret comfort hippo. I got him at the Pacifica Fog Fest last year from this lady who makes nothing but hippos. I was holding it (and kind of pinching it), then told the lady "I can't buy this! For God's sake I'm a grown woman!" She talked me into it by telling me the hippo is a health care aid ... you put under your neck for a good night's sleep. That's all I needed to hear. After she got done wrapping it she said "oh, and it's good for cuddling too." Indeed, he is. But if anyone asks, I do not sleep with my hippo. I sleep with my hippo-shaped neck helper.

So if you are sad or lonely, I recommend getting some sort of hippo. You'll feel better right away.

Until later, love and kisses, xoxoxoxo